You're a Miracle (and a Pain in the Ass): Embracing the Emotions, Habits, and Mystery That Make You You

by Mike McHargue

Though you may think of yourself as the conductor of the orchestra that is your life, you are more like the orchestra itself, a myriad of musicians coming together to create a single symphony.

Here’s the point I want you to remember: Brains were around for hundreds of millions of years before the invention of language. Which means language is a new, relatively unproven strategy for organisms trying to survive and reproduce.

Anxiety is the brain’s way of trying to make you do something about the stressors in your environment.

Your body spent the energy it takes to build something as powerful as your brain for one reason and one reason only: Your brain helps you survive on a planet that is often hostile to life.

You aren’t broken either. You are here. You are alive. You have survived the challenges of life, and each part of you—even the parts you don’t like or appreciate—has played a role in your continued existence. There isn’t a piece of you that hasn’t been fearfully and wonderfully made, tested by the unforgiving process of natural selection.

We engage in compulsions because they offer relief from anxiety. An afternoon donut, looking at Instagram every fifteen minutes, and plucking the hair from your arms all offer an escape from a moment of anxiety or boredom. That means almost any behavior that offers some relief from anxiety can become a compulsion, whether it’s food, sex, video games, or even something as benign as reading.

Our feelings aren’t here to break us. They’re here to help us—even heal us.

Here’s the thing: There are no easy answers in the arena of human emotions. Sometimes, protecting yourself means backing off, like when I took that form off my website. But other times, growth and healing come from leaning in and pushing through,

#Blacklivesmatter, #metoo, and #MAGA all make Twitter, Facebook, and Google wealthy and powerful. As do the flat-earth movement and anti-vaccination conspiracies. These companies so effectively monetize our attention—and our collective misery—that there’s very little incentive for them to behave in ways that would benefit mental health and societal cooperation.

Is it any wonder that staring into a bright light into the late evening and night makes it hard for your brain to move into a sleep cycle?

When you have thoughts that discourage you or make you feel bad, interrupt and correct them. So if you notice yourself thinking, “No one wants to be my friend,” stop your train of thought and push back by thinking (or even saying aloud), “I am likable. I know that because Jon, Ketan, and Todd are my friends.”

In the miracle of you, words have incredible potential to build you up or tear you down. Which is why my favorite part of the entire Harry Potter series is this quote from Albus Dumbledore: “Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.”

if the Church of the Nones had a path to sainthood, Rachel Held Evans would be canonized immediately. Saint Rachel, patron of broken-hearted doubters.

This book is not about being some finished product, some enlightened soul who transcends pain and loss, and always sends a thoughtful thank-you note. No, this book says you are a miracle, because like me you survive all this and worse, and you are still here. This book says you are stronger than you’ll ever imagine, even if you feel weak.

There is a season for every kind of plant, and there is a season for every emotion our hearts can grow.

hope you learn to see the miracle, to claim your rightful place among wonders like supernovas and photosynthesis. But I also hope you understand that the things that drive you crazy about yourself are there to protect you, to help you, and to drive you toward the change you’ll need to make it through the next rough patch in your life. Most of all, I hope you learn to accept the miracle that is every person you’ve ever met, and ever will meet. When they’re a pain in your ass—well, now you know that they’re just trying to survive too.