Oh Crap! I Have a Toddler: Tackling These Crazy Awesome Years—No Time-outs Needed (Oh Crap Parenting Book 2)

by Jamie Glowacki

Self-esteem is not built on careful. It’s not built on the parent doing for the child, on handing the child the answers. In fact, all of that crushes self-esteem.

Self-esteem comes from doing something you weren’t sure you could do. From taking risks, making mistakes, and learning.

Every time you want to say “Be Careful!” see it as an opportunity to help your child foster greater awareness of their environment and their bodies. Try saying: Notice how . . . these rocks are slippery, the log is rotten, that branch is strong. Do you see . . . the poison ivy, your friends nearby? Try moving . . . your feet slowly, carefully, quickly, strongly. Try using your . . . hands, feet, arms, legs. Can you hear . . . the rushing water, the singing birds, the wind? Do you feel . . . stable on that rock, the heat from the fire? Are you feeling . . . scared, excited, tired, safe?

It’s important that we let our kids engage in risky or challenging play because it’s a great way for them to practice problem-solving skills.

Our kids need Big Play and big, swirling, twirling, jumping movement. Allowing them the full range of what their bodies can do not only helps with calm behavior now, it sets the stage for a future of focus and sitting still. Encourage Big Play and risk-taking. You might have to sit on all the “be carefuls” that naturally want to come out of your mouth. Physical risk-taking is paramount at this age. Set the stage for your children to explore all their bodies can do.

We have become petrified of our kids getting bored. But boredom is so good for kids. Boredom is the place where creativity is born. The place where epically good and bad ideas blossom. Where games are invented, color and light are played with, thoughts start to roam and coalesce.

Toddlers and preschoolers need time to let all the amazing things they are learning settle in. They need alone time with their thoughts. If we are directing their every move, especially in play, they don’t get that. They don’t get to create things, scenarios, sentences in their own mind. This contributes to rebellion (crappy behavior) in the moment, but the consequences are even worse as they get older. Kids who have been directed their entire lives won’t be able to think critically in the later years of childhood.

Free play isn’t just about playing. It’s play without adults leading and directing. This is a constant progression and practice. The goal, of course, is an independent child who can think critically and handle conflict and conflict resolution. With each passing year, this goal will get closer and closer. Be mindful of this process when your child is young and just starting out on the journey. Build your practice of not interfering. Butt out of your toddler’s grievances as much as possible. Of course, you can’t throw your preschooler to the wolves. I totally get that. But you can definitely start the practice now so it becomes more natural later on.

validating feelings. These can be emotional feelings or physical sensations. We need to be clear about what validation means in this context: it’s recognition or affirmation that people and their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.

It is possible to completely validate someone’s feelings or opinions without agreeing with them.

Imagine being told all day that what you say you are feeling isn’t true. It could probably make you a little cranky too.

Please notice some very specific language here: Yes and. That’s validation. When we use the words Yes but, we almost instantly invalidate.

Validating. Respectful. Covering the just-in-case. Your child is fighting for autonomy right now. Don’t fight back. Let her win one. Let her experience natural consequences. A child allowed to go out in the cold without a coat, who then gets cold and needs said coat, has learned a very valuable lesson that will spare you a fight in the future. If she never experiences this, it will be you she is fighting. Don’t give children your words, give them the experience.

If you think about the autonomy your little one is craving right now, what better place for him to express this “I’m my own person” than his clothes. It’s the easiest place to let him.

“Yes. I know you’re not tired and it’s time for bed.”

We validate for respect, but we also validate because it can cut the battles in half. If you say, “Yes, you are tired,” you know the response that is almost guaranteed, right? “No, I’m not!” Now you just entered yourself in a power struggle with a tired toddler. Dude. No. Don’t do it. It never ends well for you. Just maintain a calm “Yes, I know you’re not tired and it’s time to get ready for bed.”

You don’t have to make eighteen pieces of toast to see which cut will suit your child. In fact, it’s not helpful. First off, you’re completely setting up your child to expect you to fix everything. Second, you’re not allowing the actual feeling. You’re unconsciously saying, Don’t feel that. Here. I’ll hurry up and fix it so you’re not feeling the thing. Ah. But how to let the emotions flow without stopping life in its tracks? Take a break, take a minute. “I can see this has made you very angry. Why don’t you take a minute to settle and then we’ll figure out what to do.” I’m using “settle” instead of “calm down” because never in the history of the world have the words calm down made a human calm down. There are some super important language shifts here. I see your feeling . . . take a minute to settle . . . we’ll figure it out. All super validating without running circles around the child trying to please the kid or, worse, squelch the feeling. You didn’t claim the child was right or wrong; you acknowledged the emotion, which is huge. “Settle” . . . let the storm calm. And then “we’ll figure it out” . . . you’re not alone, little one. I’ll help.

Validate the feelings your child is having without having to manage all the other people. Many parents give too much weight to the feeling at hand. Kids quickly learn that this is an excellent tool for controlling the people around them, and remember, control is exactly the thing they are looking for. So let’s give them some actual calm control in managing their feelings.

Discipline comes from discipulus, the Latin word for pupil, which also provided the source of the word disciple.

A simple definition is “to develop behavior by instruction and practice; especially to teach self-control.”

Punishment is a power dynamic, backed by a notion of “paying for what you did.” The child does something you deem bad and you will make that child “pay for it.” Punishment can seem arbitrary to the child. Punishment can feel like it comes out of the blue, with no warning. The child does something and punishment swoops in. Consequences are a part of life. Every single thing we do has a consequence, either good or bad or mixed. For teaching purposes, natural consequences are always the most effective. You can tell your child a million times to not jump on the bed. You can give a time-out every three minutes for jumping on the bed. You know when he’s going to stop the jumping on the bed? When he falls and bonks his head. That is a natural consequence. What we often try to do, however, is prevent that bonking of the head. The natural consequence feels severe, so we put in an external consequence. You don’t want your child to potentially crack open her head, so you institute something external, like a time-out. The problem is, in most cases, the child makes zero connection between the wrongdoing and the punishment.

What if toddlers are unaware that they are showing bad behavior? What if most of the time, they are reacting to colliding internal stimuli?

What looks like “bad behavior” is usually just behavior. It’s discovery.

I find it fascinating that as a whole, we expect three-year-old beings to know how their new bodies and developing minds work. That we expect them to be able to control their bodies at all times, control their minds, control their reactions. Three years is not a long time to figure out the mechanics of physicality, and meanwhile your freaking brain is experiencing the most explosive growth of your entire life.

before we jump to thinking that our children are being bad or naughty, it is essential that we look at what’s behind the behavior. Do they need something? Is a basic need (including human contact) not being met? Are they acting out; expressing a big feeling that they don’t know how to articulate? Are they testing limits? Are they pushing a button to see what happens? Are they asserting free will, choice, and independence? None of these are bad behavior. They are simply behavior.

One of my favorite quotes ever is: “My child isn’t giving me a hard time. My child is having a hard time.”

1. Take yourself out of the mix.

If your child has done something that makes your rage boil, chances are your little one hit a trigger point for you. This is the time to remove yourself.

This is excellent modeling of anger management to our kids. You can be very clear with your words: “When you do (x-y-z), I get crazy mad. I’m going to take a break so I can calm down before I talk with you.” Or even a shortened version of “Argh. I’m so angry I need a break. I will be right back.” A few important things to notice here: • Ownership of your own anger. Not “you made me feel.” • You are going to take a break; when we feel that sudden onset of anger, we tend to say shit that is useless, ineffective, or mean. Taking a break to calm down is always key. • The last thing to notice is “I’ll be back.” I’m not abandoning you or the situation. I just need a little time.

2. Whisper.

When our kids start acting like fools, our inclination is to raise our voices and, yeah, sometimes yell outright. This is especially true if our kid is getting louder and more out of control. But there’s extreme power in doing the opposite. Whispering makes the child have to stop to hear you. Right there, you’ve disrupted the escalation. Whispering is also 100 percent less threatening than yelling. In any heated situation, you will meet the vocal response...

3. Get down on their level.

You can be super effective when you’re looking your little one in the eye, on his level. Kneel down in front of him so you are eye to eye.

4. Take a time-in or take a break.

One of the best reasons for a time-out is to take the child out of the mix. This is especially true if her behavior is escalating at a party or exciting event. I am fully on board with this move. But not as a punishment. It’s easier for a child to de-escalate without a lot of extra external stimuli. When any sort of wonky behavior starts up, remember: the child is experiencing a shit ton of internal stimuli.

Don’t call this a time-out, though. I have clients use the words “take a brea...

Children need your grown-up words to help them figure out what’s going on. They may need a soothing touch or even a tight bear hug to help them start to de-escalate the crazy internal stimuli. Frustrated? Take a break. Angry? Hang on . . . take a break. Crying? Take a break. Offer your child a break with or without you. Give him specifics on his behavior. “It looks like you’re having a hard time controlling your body. You need a break. Do you want me to come with you or do you want to be by yourself?” “Your silly is getting too big right now. You need a break.” “I can see you’re very frustrated. Would you like help or a break?”

5. Physically deregulate their little systems.

Heightened emotions can be a runaway train at this age. Tight bear hugs can actually physically calm a child down. Putting p...

6. Process the emotions. Once your child is out of the mix and starts to de-escalate, you want to address the feelings. Your child acted on a big feeling or emotion. If he was hitting a friend, he was most likely frustrated or angry. Remember: the behavior is the “symptom,” the feeling is the “disease.” Use as few words as possible. We all tend to overtalk in these situations. Use empathy and your own experience. “I know when I’m frustrated, sometimes I would like to hit as well. But that would hurt the other person, so I take a break.” Give them alternatives: “When I’m frustrated, I like to go outside and yell it out.” Or “I like to go throw pillows in my room. Would you like to try that?” Don’t belabor the point, just help your child process what happened and then move on.

7. Leave. Whenever they’re possible, I’m a huge fan of natural consequences. In many instances, that simply means leaving. Leaving the party, the store, the park, the friend’s house. If your child is displaying angry, frustrated, or aggressive behavior, oftentimes it means you should leave.

8. Follow through.

Ideally, follow-through starts young. If you say you are going to leave or do x-y-z, you must do it. You must do it in a reasonable time frame or you are simply teaching your little one that your words mean nothing. Three more chances and counting to three are completely ineffective if you don’t actually follow through.

When outside the home, following through is actually super easy, although generally very inconvenient. If your little one starts acting up and you’ve given the warning and things aren’t improving, leave. There is little else to do in these situations.