Medallion Status: True Stories from Secret Rooms

by John Hodgman

But here is some advice: if you check into the hotel at the end of a long tour and you immediately just want to drop your bag and run over to the $9 mini can of Pringles next to the ice bucket and shove all those Pringles in your mouth, go ahead and do that. That has become a ritual by now. However, if you discover that, this time, the Pringles can is already open and all the Pringles have been eaten except, weirdly, for two, do not get mad. Do not pace in a hot fury and then finally break down and call the front desk. Do not tell them that this is unacceptable. Do not explain to them that they have failed in their primary mission, which is not merely fresh Pringles every day. It is to trick you into believing that this hotel room had never existed before you opened the door, that it was conjured from some sterile dimension out of nothingness, and certainly no one had ever, ever masturbated in it before.