Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

by Buster Benson

Watch how anxiety sparks. These sparks are signposts to our own internal map of dangerous ideas. Notice the difference between big sparks and small sparks. These point to our shadow, the parts of ourselves we try to hide from. If left unaddressed, this harsh judgment will be projected uncharitably onto others. Work with it. Talk to your internal voices. Most of us have internal voices that map to the voices of power, reason, and avoidance. Get to know yours so you can recognize their suggestions as merely suggestions, not orders. Most of us also have a quiet internal voice that maps to the voice of possibility. Listen for it. It’s the voice that will help you most when you feel you’re at a dead end. It is always looking for what we’ve missed. Develop honest bias. There is no cure for bias, but we can develop an honest relationship to our own bias with self-reflection, frequent requests for thoughtful feedback, and a willingness to address feedback directly, however it comes. Speak for yourself. Don’t speculate about others, especially groups that you don’t belong to. Instead, seek out a respectable member of any group you might otherwise speculate about and invite them to your table to speak for themselves. Listen generously. Ask questions that invite surprising answers. Think of big wide-open questions that create space for divergent perspectives to be heard. Measure the quality of your questions by the honesty and eloquence that they draw out from the person answering th...