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March 16 - March 16, 2024
I called him a traitor, even though I knew nothing about football. He called me beautiful just because.
I went to sleep with the moon and woke to the sun.
Even though I was broken and bruised, even though I looked like an untamed beast, Beauty still saw me and wondered about my wellbeing.
“I noticed your everything,” she confessed, and that frozen heart of mine thawed a bit. That happened a lot when she was around.
I was changing, because Shay believed in my growth. She believed in me. And I was starting to do the same.
“Always, Satan,” I replied. I think I meant that, too. I think I meant always.
“Hey you.” She smiled wide, and I was falling. I was falling so deeply in love with her, and this bet of ours was going to come to a crashing end due to me losing.
“A penny for your thoughts,” I whispered. “A nickel for your time…a quarter for your heart…” I inhaled deeply. “A dollar to make you mine.”
“I am going to love loving you as much as I loved hating you.” She kissed me, and the last sleeping part of my soul finally woke up as she fell against my lips.
“You’re sad?” she whispered. “Yes.” “How sad?” “Very sad.” “How often?” I swallowed hard. “All the time.”
“Are you depressed?” The tears rolled down my cheeks, and I didn’t even try to wipe them away. I nodded slowly, feeling as if there was a bomb inside my chest that was seconds away from exploding. “Yes.” “Okay.” She sighed and moved in closer. “Okay.” That was all she said. She didn’t run. She didn’t tell me my depression was wrong. She didn’t shy away. That was exactly what I needed.
“You are more than the story these scars tell, Landon.
She kissed my scars and called them beautiful.
I loved it. I loved how she felt. I loved how she moaned. I…loved…her.
But I loved her. I knew I did. How could I not? Maybe I always had, even when I hated her. Loving Shay came as easy as the wind. It pushed through my system and left me completely breathless.
“I want to see you. I want to see all of you. Love me with the lights on.”
She now knew the parts of me I’d kept hidden for so long, and still… She stayed.
Her breaking down didn’t mean she wasn’t strong. Sometimes the strongest thing a person could ever do was fall apart. It took real strength to become that vulnerable. “It’s okay, Mom. Fall apart. Don’t worry. I got you.”
“Sorry,” she whispered. “I just wanted to say it before you. I’m fine with losing the bet, because I love you.”
I love you in the light and in the dark. I love you like a whisper and like a shout. I love your good days and your bad days, and I…love…you. All of you. Every single piece…”
Landon: How’s your heart? I smiled at his words. Me: Still beating.
What could Shay give me if we were together? Happiness. Joy. So much fucking laughter. A feeling of home. A safe place to fall. Hope. Love. Her mind, body, and soul. Her light. And what could I give her if we were together? My scars. My panic attacks. My heaviness. My mood swings. My pain. My depression. My darkness.
I hated myself for being so cold toward her. I hated how my mind was all messed up. I hated…myself. Shit. I hated myself.
Devastation sat in his eyes as he looked up to me. “I miss you,” he whispered. “I miss you so fucking much it hurts every single day.”
“Then tell me a lie,” he pleaded. “I hate you.” I breathed the words against his lips, and he swallowed them whole, as if they were the way to his existence. “I hate you, too,” he lied back to me, making a tear roll down my cheek.
“I love you,” he told me, gently kissing my lips. It was so gentle that it almost felt like fiction. Like something I’d written about in my stories. Like a dream that finally came true. “I love you, too.”
“You’re never too much. I love your happy, and I love your sad. I love your light, and I love your dark. I love you. Every script, every page, every revision, every draft.”
Mom called Greyson to come sit with me until she made it home. Greyson called Eric. Eric called Hank. Hank came with Raine.
“Whatever you are is good enough for us.”
we’re all a little broken. If you think anyone in this world doesn’t have cracks, scars, and a story, then you’re not looking close enough. We weren’t brought into this world to be perfect; we were brought here to be human. To live. To feel. To hurt. To love. To cry. To exist. And with that, comes a few broken parts. You don’t have to be perfect to love or be loved. You just have to be brave enough to show the world your scars and call them beautiful.”
I don’t want to die, Shay. For the first time in my life, I want to live. I want to find a way to feel alive on my own.
I want this life more than I ever thought I could, and that’s because of you. You awakened my spirit after so many nightmares, and for that, I owe you the world.
Shay raised my hands to her mouth and kissed my palms. “This is a good thing, even though it feels a little sad.”
“Good night, good night. Parting is such sweet sorrow.” My smile grew, and the butterflies he’d always delivered me came back in full force. “That I shall say good night till it be tomorrow,”
Even though we didn’t carve our names into the willow trees, I knew his initials were forever imprinted against my heart. And whenever it beat, it was beating for him.
