The Shadows Between Us

by Tricia Levenseller

“The point is, Father, I know what I’m doing. And I’m going to keep doing whatever I wish, because I am the master of myself.

“Have you ever been in love?” “No,” he says. “Not ever. What’s it like?” “Horrible.”

“You said I wasn’t beautiful enough to be tempting,” I remind him. He takes his napkin from his lap and brushes his fingers against it. “I lied. You’re the most stunning thing to ever set foot in my palace.”

Don’t be afraid of who you are. Say what you wish. Be who you wish. Don’t try to be someone else. You don’t want to catch a man who wants me. You want to catch a man who wants you.”

I pause a moment. “How—how do you get past that fear? How is it worth what might come later? The heartbreak?” She considers my questions before answering, “I think that when you care enough for someone, you reach a point where it’s far more painful not to have him at all than to have him and risk losing him. You realize the risk is worth it. Because happiness, however short-lived, is always worth it.”

“I want a life with you, Alessandra, one without the shadows between us.

He knows all my secrets, and he doesn’t care. He wants me in spite of them. Because of them, even.

“You, however, are in trouble.” “For what?” he asks innocently. “Distracting me to the point of not being able to eat my meal.”

Waiting. Not waiting. One lover. A hundred lovers. There should be no judgment either way. A woman is not defined by what she does or doesn’t do in the bedroom.

“I’m not a trollop,” I announce to the empty room. “I’m a sexually empowered woman, and there is nothing wrong with that.”

“Every night with you is the best.”

“Perhaps you should give me a list of the men whose attentions you acquired. For curiosity’s sake, nothing more, of course.” I grin. “Liar. You’d murder them all.” “Any man who took advantage of your grief and neglect deserves whatever punishment I see fit.”

“I love you,” I say as he rains kisses down my neck. “I love you so much it hurts,” he says.