Words That Change Minds: The 14 Patterns for Mastering the Language of Influence

by Shelle Rose Charvet

But what if we could really understand what someone means when he or she talks to us? Even better, what if we could predict someone's behavior based simply on what was said? Best of all-what if we could influence that behavior by how we responded?

You pay attention to how people talk when they answer, rather than what they talk about. Even when a person does not answer the question directly, they will reveal their pattern by the manner in which they answer (or don't).

With these three filters, Deletion, Distortion and Generalization, we each create our own model of the world.

Refer to these definitions in the future.

You pay attention to how people answer, instead of what they say. In this way, after asking a few simple questions, you can determine what will trigger and maintain someone's motivation and how they internally process information.

To help you identify when someone is talking about or has switched Contexts, listen for: When? Where? With whom? and a verb. When people use these cues, they are telling you what a Context is for them:

Since most people at work are somewhere in the middle, they will need to think and do, respond and initiate. The best kinds of work for these people are tasks and responsibilities that allow enough of each. To motivate these people, you would use both sets of Influencing Language. For example, "I would like you to think through what needs to be done and just go do it."

The authors noted that if entrepreneurs answered the Away From questions, they received much lower funding on average but if they shifted the focus to "Promotion" strategies and used goal-oriented (Toward) language, the results were very different.

A great hint for all entrepreneurs looking for funding: if asked a problem-focused question by investors, start briefly with how to avoid the problem and then quickly shift to how you will achieve your goals.

Gottman also found that showing contempt for a partner is the number one reason for breakups. Again, the reaction to us from our partner is an essential factor in the success of the relationship. (External) Showing kindness even when in a fight is what binds people together. (External)

Why are there so many upgrades to your favorite software package? A consultant friend summed up the software problem: "Not enough time to do it right once, but all the time in the world to fix it."

Creators and users of technology approach technology quite differently. Eye tracking studies[21] show that most users still use the "F-shape" when they are scanning a webpage, which is a visual Procedure. Developers, who are not typical end users, tend to scan all over the page at high speed, in a movement more like this: