Mind Over Matter: The Self-Discipline to Execute Without Excuses, Control Your Impulses, and Keep Going When You Want to Give Up (Live a Disciplined Life Book 11)

by Peter Hollins

Moving higher on the ladder of awareness, some of us might have identified a couple of specific triggers that cause us to lose our self-discipline, and thus we avoid them consciously.

The next level of awareness in our self-discipline failures might be the recognition that there are specific behaviors you engage in whenever you avoid it. For instance, you notice that when you want to avoid washing your car you start cleaning your room instead.

There are five main phases of the cycle that explain why you tend to keep sitting on your butt, even thought you know you shouldn’t be.

Unhelpful assumptions or made-up rules: “Life is short, so I should enjoy it and not spend my precious time washing that dusty car! Car washes are something you pay for anyway!” Increasing discomfort: “I’d rather not wash the car. It’s boring and uncomfortable. I know my spouse asked me to, but it can wait.” Excuses for lack of self-discipline to decrease psychological discomfort: “It’s perfectly reasonable for me not to wash the car. It’s so hot outside I would melt. My spouse didn’t really mean it when they asked.” Avoidance activities to decrease psychological discomfort: “I will clean the bathroom instead. I’m still productive! I’ll also arrange my desk. Lots of things getting done today. I did pretty well today, all things considered.” Negative and positive consequences: “Ah, I feel better about myself now. Cleanliness all around. Oh, wait. I still need to wash that car, and my spouse seems angrier this time…”

Which brings us full circle right back to the start: the car isn’t washed, and your assumptions remain the same. Only this time, there’s even more discomfort that you want to avoid immediately. And so it goes on. Once you’re in the cycle, it’s hard to get over the increasing inertia keeping you from getting the task done.

If you feel like you don’t want to start or follow through with something, it’s not due to simple laziness or “I don’t feel like it right now.” It’s about the beliefs and assumptions that underlie these feelings. What are some of these unhelpful assumptions or made-up rules? My life should be about seeking pleasure, having fun, and enjoying myself. Anything that conflicts with that shouldn’t be allowed.

This is the true meaning of “I don’t feel like it right now”—you are actually saying, “I want to do something more pleasurable than that right now.”

I need X, Y, or Z to exercise my self-discipline, and if they are not present, I am excused. Sometimes you just can’t muster up the energy to do something. You may feel tired, stressed, depressed, or unmotivated and use that as your “reason” for not getting things done. You have to be “ready.” You need X, Y, and Z to start properly. You have to be in the mood.

All of these so-called requirements were conjured by you; none of them actually reflect reality. And sometimes you do need to push through until fatigue and exhaustion hit—self-discipline isn’t about the easy path. You will be uncomfortable, so don’t assume that you shouldn’t be.

I alone dictate what I do. This is where you assume that you need to be the one to call the shots and to be in control. You feel a strong attachment to being in charge. You feel you shouldn’t have to do something just because someone tells you to. This is best summed up by the statement “I don’t have to listen to them.” This is a defensive reaction to what you view as someone stepping on you, and it often leads to you acting against your own interests. If you feel that you need to do something that goes against your beliefs, you will only do it when absolutely necessary. This is a reality of human behavior, as is the fact that these beliefs are usually unconscious. So what happens if you are told to do household chores but you possess the first two beliefs of “fun comes first” and “I need perfect conditions”? You’ll have fun first, wait for a large set of preconditions, and the chores will go undone. The rest of the cycle is what keeps them undone.

When you know you are supposed to exercise self-discipline, yet it conflicts with a belief or assumption of yours, tension and discomfort will be created.

direct conflict between what you desire (no car washing!) and what the world (or an individual) is telling you (just wash it for once).

Imagine being told that the sky is actually red, which probably conflicts with what you’ve been taught since childhood. You feel that something is amiss, but you might not be able to put a name to it. You will have a range of emotions, all of which are uncomfortable: anger, boredom, frustration, exhaustion, resentment, anxiety, embarrassment, fear, or despair. The end result of this conflict is that we are in an agitated state, and we don’t like feeling that way. Something will need to change. If the source of this discomfort is anything having to do with washing that darned car, that means you’re going to avoid it like the black plague.

Making Excuses Excuses are what you use to make yourself feel better when you are ducking responsibility. You know you should do something, but you don’t want to. Does this mean you’re just lazy, tired, or entitled to no action? Of course not. Admitting those would cause even more discomfort and tension than you already feel. So you construct excuses to remain the good guy or even victim in your situation—or at least not the bad guy. Now that’s a comforting thought. What would you say

Now, if you uttered these to someone else, they might reply with a raised eyebrow and a “really…?” The problem is, these excuses are ones that you tell yourself. And you’ve probably used them so frequently in your life that the lines between your excuses and reality have blurred. You become unable to discern or tell the truth, and you unknowingly start to disempower yourself. Remember, we possess the amount of self-discipline that we believe we possess.

Avoidance activities are the culmination of alleviating your discomfort and wanting to feel like you aren’t simply being lazy. The internal dialogue goes something like this: “I’m sufficiently justified in not washing the car, but why do I still feel lousy about myself? I should do something…” Excuses on their own may not be enough, so you figure some action is still needed to lessen the discomfort and tension.

First, there are activities that simply distract you from the discomfort of choosing not to exercise your self-discipline or violate a belief or assumption. Out of sight, out of mind, and the discomfort is destroyed by going for ice cream or to a new superhero movie. This is distraction to the point of denial.

Second, there are activities that make you feel productive in some other way than the task at hand. For instance, if you work from home and are putting off a project, you will never have a cleaner bathroom than when real tasks are to be avoided.

“easier” or lower-priority task.

Avoiding is an art. But when you avoid responsibilities, there are always consequences. Somewhere, something is slipping through the cracks. The negative consequences are more obvious. You’ve probably experienced them all before. They can include increased discomfort, guilt, anxiety, and shame. You know you’re not achieving (or taking steps to achieve) your goal, and this just makes you feel worse. Another negative consequence is having increased demands on you. Your work may accumulate, leaving you to have to do the original task plus the additional compensatory work. And depending on the nature of the task, avoidance may lead to a consequence of punishment or loss. That punishment/loss may be in the form of repercussions at work, a missed opportunity, or failing to meet a goal. The chores go undone, and your lawn gets so out of control that you start to find small, vicious woodland animals in it.

Any positive consequences are illusory. They may be positive in that they feel good in the moment, but they are temporary at best. It’s like shutting your eyes to avoid the bright headlights of a truck barreling toward you—you are just setting yourself up for failure in the long term. It’s self-sabotage.

Both sets of consequences contribute to furthering the cycle. Negative consequences make you want to continue avoiding certain tasks, while positive consequences inject just enough short-term pleasure to disguise what’s really happening. And they both lead you right back to the initial problem of lacking self-discipline.

You can now see how this can become a vicious cycle. The

Again, negative consequences create pessimism, while positive consequences create self-sabotage.

It’s time to talk about breaking the cycle. Fortunately, a cycle doesn’t need to be broken in any particular location or sequence.

Unhelpful assumptions or made-up rules: “Life is short. I should enjoy it and not spend my precious time washing that dusty car! Car washes are something you pay for anyway!”

out, in reality they have only pushed themselves to 40% of their full capacity. In other words, they could endure 60% more if only they believed that they were capable of it.

What if you were to replace your unhelpful, disempowering assumptions with this one of strength and agency? We are usually ready to give up around the time that we begin to feel pain or are barely pressing our boundaries. But that point is actually just the beginning of what we are all capable of, and the key to unlocking more potential is to push through the initial pain and the self-doubt that surfaces along with it. By maintaining a belief in yourself, you show yourself that you can do more, and that evidence builds your confidence and discipline.

Believing that you can do more will make it true. It enables you to go well beyond the limits that you’ve constructed for yourself in your own mind. And once you’ve felt the pain and the urge to give up at 10 push-ups only to push through it and do 20, you know that your mental strength helped you persevere. The next time you’re challenged, you’ll feel all the more capable and prepared to push past your supposed limits again. This embodies self-discipline in a nutshell—it’s really a matter of how much pain you can stomach, and most of us will only bend and never break.

Increasing discomfort: “I’d rather not wash the car. It’s boring and uncomfortable. I know my spouse asked me to, but it can wait.”

This process seeks to turn a stabbing pain into a dull annoyance you can barely feel or a hunger pang that you actually crave because it means you are sticking to your diet. That’s as good as it’s going to get. Washing the dishes may not morph into something pleasurable, but at least it doesn’t have to be an agonizing experience.