Upside Down

by N.R. Walker

Society and, by association, social media tells us sexual intimacy equals love. And the crux of this representation is that sexuality is normalised, mainstream.

“There’s a difference between normal behaviour and normalised behaviour,” Nataya said. “Normal is subjective. And by whose definition should we fit anyway? Do we take normality from people like my grandma who is horrified by just about everything we see on the internet, or do we take normality from guys who think it’s normal and completely okay to send dick pics to people they’ve never met?”

“And that, in itself,” I continued, “is a form of normalisation of sexualised behaviour. We become normalised to expect to have these views thrown at us. We’re becoming normalised to their behaviour.”

but doesn’t everyone want something to fulfil them or someone to connect with on some level?”

Finding someone to share your life with doesn’t have to be based on sexual compatibility. I mean, if you want someone to pound you into next week while you’re chained to a cross, then by all means, I hope you find them and live happily ever after in your red room of pain.

“You’re sex-positive,” he said, with the hint of a smile. “Meaning you have no issue with sex itself.”

“Totally. If sex gets your motor running, then go have all the sex you want. As long as it’s consensual and healthy or whatever, then yes. Go do that.” I made a face. “But it’s not for me.”

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people tell me maybe I haven’t met the right person, or I wasn’t doing it right, or maybe I wasn’t even gay. Have I considered fucking a woman instead?” I rolled my eyes.

Is it not enough to be gay? But oh no, let’s sprinkle on some asexuality just for good measure. I wish I liked sex. I wish I wanted it. But I just

don’t. And I have stopped trying to pretend.” “It’s not easy. I told you at the meeting the night we met that I first told my boyfriend slash best friend in high school that the idea of sex didn’t appeal to me.”

“But then he asked if I wanted to make him feel good. He said if I really liked him I’d want him to be happy, and I fucking believed that shit.” I shook my head. “I know better. I really do. But I was so caught up in him and he did things with me that he didn’t actually enjoy, like watching The Great British Bake Off, or going to local author readings, so surely I could do something for him, right?”

“And he quotes Dickens? My heart, my heart!” I laughed

“To be asexual is simply defined as sexual orientation characterised by a persistent lack of sexual attraction toward any gender. To simplify a complex subject, an asexual person doesn’t experience sexual attraction. But the important difference is that sexual attraction and sexual desire are not the same thing, okay? That’s the tricky part. Let

“To experience sexual desire doesn’t make someone not asexual. Sexual desire does not make your asexuality invalid.”

“In the ace community, we are neither entirely with or without sexual desire, with or without engagement in sexual activity, with or without sexual drive. The stereotype of asexuals being wholly non-sexual or without any hint of attraction towards others is not who we are. Being asexual is varied and diverse, as is the complex relationship between sexuality and attraction.”