Upside Down

by N.R. Walker

I’m an awkward, introvert book nerd, sci-fi geeky twenty-six-year-old librarian, with brownish-ginger hair. Oh, and I’m a gay man. I’m also an expert in Percy Shelley, Lord Byron, and Wordsworth… or just all French Revolutionary poets in general, really. I also have to wear some item of clothing that is perfectly colour-coordinated with my shoes, and I have an inclination to say motherfucker an awful lot. Oh, and there is also a very good chance I’m asexual.

What can I say this has to be one of my fave intros to a character. This is how Jordan sees himself. It's also a good sample of the writing style.

We see repeatedly, we’re told repeatedly, it’s shown, it’s implied, it’s blatant that sex equals love. That we’re not complete without it. That sexual intimacy is the pinnacle of all relationship goals.”

An absolute mood for my aspec sibs. We've all had a moment of exasperation while trying to explain that this whole thing is bullsh*t.

“There’s a difference between normal behaviour and normalised behaviour,”

This from aspec support group memeber Nataya. But she is just saying what everyone is thinking.

I didn’t want to admit the asexual thing to myself for a long time, and I’m thinking it will take some getting used to. Like breaking in a pair of Doc Martens, ya know? Like they’re uncomfortable and tight and basically kill your feet until they’re the most comfortable shoes you’ll ever wear. They become like a second skin, and I’m pretty sure this whole asexual thing will be like that.” He made a thoughtful face. “I like that analogy.”

I too really like this analogy.

You know, to save my soul. Or whatever people pray for. I wouldn’t know. I’m not inclined to pray. Unless it’s to the bean god, Java.” “Java?” “Yeah, you know coffee,”

Amen to that Jordan. Amen to that

“Thanks. I like to add a little colour to an otherwise drab uniform.” “It matches, every day,” I said. “Of course it does.” He leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, “I’m gay. Of course it fucking matches.”

That last line lol. Stereotypes yes but still lol

“But he’s interesting. And he’s cute.” “And he’s asexual?” I frowned up at him. “Not that it matters, but yes. Well, we haven’t discussed it since the meeting, but he went to a support group for asexuals and he had a bit of a freak-out because he realised it was his truth, so yes. I’m thinking he is.” “I just don’t want to see you go through all that shit again, that’s all.” “I know. And I appreciate that. But it shouldn’t matter.” “But it kind of does.”

Michael is an equal to Merry. But not as fierce. He has a similar loyalty. Trust and just want for happiness

“Sarcasm is in the self-help section, by the way.” “Self-help?” “Yes, so you can pull your head out of your own arse.” I barked out a laugh. “Are you always so funny?” He shrugged. “I don’t know. There’s a fine line between comedy and horror. It could go either way.”

“Oh God, what if he’s not really asexual?” “If he said he is, then he is. It’s not something people lie about. And if he did lie about it—” She gave a serious nod. “—then we’ll kneecap that motherfucker.”

Bestie dreams. Defence of honour and total respect of labels

“It’s like a treehouse,” I whispered. Jordan grinned. “Isn’t it awesome?” “Pretty sure whoever designed this was a reader or someone who really loved books.”

Oh, thank god it's not "architecturally designed" as is the joke made in my library technician tafe course. Or designed by committee which is even worse.

And about the breed of bird you made up, do they look like puffins? Because they’re the cutest bird I’ve ever seen. You know, if one was curious.” “If one was curious, they’d be pleased to know the Australian Pygmy Puffin is far cuter than the Atlantic Puffin. Like all Australian animals, they look adorable but are either venomous, poisonous, or just total jerks.” “The Pygmy Puffin?” I asked, smiling. “Yes. Small fluff balls, incredibly rare. There are three rules when handling them: One, no bright light. Two, don’t get them wet. And three, never feed them after midnight, no matter how much they beg.”

Omg Jordan I adore you

“On the 353 at 5:06. I’ll be the one with the matching shoes and scarf.” “I’ll be the one… well, I’ll just be the one on the bus that’s probably smiling at you.” Jordan’s smile became more of a grin and his cheeks tinted pink. “There’s a good chance I’ll also be the one who trips over, takes out some poor guy in his fall, and yells out motherfucker really loudly, horrifying just about everyone on the bus.”

Oh these two are going to kill me

All I want really big and rock-hard on a guy is his IQ, and what I consider to be hardcore porn is a picture of a guy reading a book with a hard cover. Soft-core porn is a paperback, and browsing Amazon is my version of PornHub, okay?”

“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”

Lewis Carroll

“He quoted Lewis Carroll,” I tried to say, but it was barely a squeaky breath. “Oh, Jesus,” she whispered. Her eyes went from my phone to me, then back again. “So that’s it then. I’ll start planning the wedding.”

Merry is bestie goals wha can I say

“You can’t say that kind of stuff to me. Word porn in public could get embarrassing.” “Word porn?” “The only kind I’m into,” I said, then turned a dozen shades of red. “I mean, not physically into it. I’m not really into anything like that. You know why.”

“Why isn’t cereal considered to be or called a soup?”

Pt 1

“Jordan asked me this yesterday, and it’s ridiculous but I can’t stop thinking about it.”

Pt 2

“The smartest?” “Uh, elephants because they never forget a thing. Or octopi. Personally I think octopus are from outer space and landed here a few thousand years ago by mistake. If they came here looking for intelligent life forms, they missed the mark. Humans might have opposable thumbs and mastered how to make fire, but as a species, we’re pretty fucking stupid.”

Oh man yes Jordan

“Do you think maths is something we invented or something we discovered?”

Its a philosophic question and a good one

“No, it’s fine. I don’t have any triggers. I’m not into erotica. I don’t knock it at all, it’s just not my thing.” I scrubbed my hand over my face. “You know why.” “For asexual reasons.”

Some aces will read it. Asexuality is not an all encompassing thing these is a spectrum in play

“Celebrity you’d love to meet?” “Percy Shelley but I’ll need a priest, a Ouija board, and the blood of a chicken.”

Like I took a miscalculated step or like I missed the last stair, I fell headfirst right into love with Hennessy Lang. Motherfucker.

This is just perfect for Jordan.

“I’m no expert in art, but I know books, and there is such a misconception about what genre people prefer. I don’t give a fuck what people read, as long as they read. From manga to gardening books, it doesn’t matter, and why people scoff at romance, I’ll never know. Because isn’t it a beautiful thing? Romance, that is. People wanting a happy ending. How is that ever wrong?

Oh... I love this. This speaks to my librarian soul.

“I know I’m not.” He gave me a nudge with his shoulder and he smiled. “Isn’t that what everyone wants?” I asked, looking up at the sky before looking at him. “Not romance or love, exactly. I’m aware of my aromantic brothers and sisters.” I raised a fist before letting it fall heavily back to my lap. “But we all strive for something. It might not be hearts and roses for everyone, but doesn’t everyone want something to fulfil them or someone to connect with on some level?”

“But I don’t want anything else. I see all the naked pics on Twitter and Grindr, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why they don’t put clothes on. Like I have zero interest in that. And the random gifs of porn are like, Jesus, is that really necessary?

Oh hes singing my song

Oh, and your questions earlier. My tattoo is the Marvel Avengers’ A, you know, but in black, grey, white, and purple, like the ace flag. Kind of like my superhero shield.

I love this tattoo so much. And I like the idea of mixing our flag colouring and a beloved fandom iconography. I would so do this with the dagger I've wanted or years.

“No, there’s not. The word normal should be thrown in the garbage.” “I’m thinking of writing Merriam-Webster a sternly worded letter,” he joked. “It needs to be removed. Along with the word baccalaureate. Not for any other reason that I just don’t like it, and I can never spell it right on the first go.” “Do you have to use it often?” “Too often. You’d be surprised.”

“He told his wife about us? What does that even mean?” “I don’t even know. Apparently our lives are now like The Truman Show meets Cocoon.” I cleared my throat. “I’ve stopped questioning the weirdness.”

Oh my God. They were all swapping recipes. And they were no longer weird, no longer invasive, no longer over-invested in mine and Hennessy’s relationship. Because this was really cool, and sure it was still crazy and a little bit weird, but these people started out as strangers. Now they were friends.

This is gorgeous. I love it

“There’s a huge misconception about what being asexual means. Asexuality is such a huge and broad spectrum. It isn’t black and white. There is no right or wrong. “To be asexual is simply defined as sexual orientation characterised by a persistent lack of sexual attraction toward any gender. To simplify a complex subject, an asexual person doesn’t experience sexual attraction. But the important difference is that sexual attraction and sexual desire are not the same thing, okay? That’s the tricky part. Let me say that again. Sexual attraction and sexual desire are not the same thing.

“To experience sexual desire doesn’t make someone not asexual. Sexual desire does not make your asexuality invalid.”

“To some extent, we all come with a sexual expectation attached to our bodies. It becomes internalised, reinforced, and replicated through the major veins of society: in the workplace, the doctor’s office, at home, on TV, movies, in books. I haven’t met one other asexual person who has not, at some point, internalised their sexuality with social narratives and expectations. Sometimes we don’t even know we do it. Sometimes we’re our own worst gatekeepers.”

“I don’t think your dick is stupid.” “Well, I can tell you, it’s no Einstein either,”

“Really? Dick jokes?” “Yes. Dick jokes. I’m asexual, not dead.

“Love the dress.” It was purple, and her yellow cardigan and orange shoes somehow kind of all worked. “Thanks!” She said, shoving her hands into the pockets. “It has pockets!”

The ever appropriate response

Nothing in the world is single; All things by a law divine In one spirit meet and mingle. Why not I with thine?

Percy Shelley. And oh it's use is brilliant