Permission to Feel: The Power of Emotional Intelligence to Achieve Well-Being and Success

by Marc Brackett

HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

Crying is soothing because it carries stress hormones out of our bodies. Feelings of gratitude increase oxygen levels in our tissues, speed healing, and boost our immune system. Being in love was found to raise the level of nerve growth factor, a hormonelike substance that restores the nervous system and improves memory. The effect lasts for about a year, according to researchers. In one study, laughter caused by watching a comedy film increased the flow of beta-endorphins, which enhance our mood, and stimulated growth hormones, which repair our cells. Even the anticipation of laughter was found to lower the levels of cortisol and adrenaline.

We all go through tough times, but most of us believe that if we persevere, we can find solutions. That’s another form of creativity: everyday creativity, the ability to keep discovering new answers when the old ones no longer work.

People who are serene and “together” may possess great emotion skills, but the same may be true of those who are conspicuously neurotic. In fact, sometimes—out of pure necessity—people who are high in neuroticism also demonstrate great emotion skills. They need them in order to regulate their own tumultuous inner lives. But neither stability nor neuroticism equals emotional intelligence.

If I’m an extrovert and need to shine, then I must learn to read my environment, so I can see when I overwhelm others and tone myself down. If I’m an introvert, my tendency to be quiet and subdued might underwhelm people at home, school, or the workplace, so I will need to amp myself up at times, so the world can see my enthusiasm.

The first skill: Recognizing the occurrence of an emotion—by noticing a change in one’s own thoughts, energy, or body or in someone else’s facial expression, body language, or voice. That’s the first clue that something important is happening. The second skill: Understanding, which means that we know the cause of emotions and see how they influence our thoughts and decisions. This helps us make better predictions about our own and others’ behavior. The third skill: Labeling, which refers to making connections between an emotional experience and the precise terms to describe it. People with a more mature “feelings vocabulary” can differentiate among related emotions such as pleased, happy, elated, and ecstatic. Labeling emotions accurately increases self-awareness and helps us to communicate emotions effectively,

The fourth skill: Expressing, which means knowing how and when to display our emotions, depending on the setting, the people we’re with, and the larger context. People who are skilled in this area understand that unspoken rules for emotional expression, also called “display rules,” often direct the best way to express what they feel and modify their behaviors accordingly. The fifth skill: Regulating, which involves monitoring, tempering, and modifying emotional reactions in helpful ways, in order to reach personal and professional goals. This doesn’t mean ignoring inconvenient emotions—rather, it’s learning to accept and deal with them. People with this skill employ strategies to manage their own emotions and help others with theirs.

We can even have emotions about emotions. We call them meta-emotions. I could be afraid of public speaking and embarrassed about being afraid. Or I’m being bullied so I feel victimized, and I’m ashamed of myself for allowing that to happen. A mood is more diffuse and less intense than an emotion or a feeling but longer lasting. Most typically, we don’t quite know why we’re feeling the way we are during a mood, but we are very certain when feeling an emotion. Moods also can be the aftermath of an emotion.

When we believe that emotion skills can be taught, we have greater faith in their ability to change outcomes for the better. If we think that our emotional makeup is more or less fixed and unchangeable, we’re less likely to invest much time or effort in developing our own skills or teaching them to others.

We base most of life’s decisions on how we think our actions will make us feel. But without emotion skills, research shows that we are notoriously bad at predicting what will make us happy. Many of us have spent time chasing the wrong goals or refusing to engage in activities that actually might make us feel better. We eat sugar to lift a depressed mood when exercise likely will do a better job; we engage with social media to feel connected when we know it amplifies anxiety.