Permission to Feel: The Power of Emotional Intelligence to Achieve Well-Being and Success

by Marc Brackett

5 U: Understanding Emotion

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They’re committing one of a couple of possible attribution biases: either they’re inferring how I’m feeling based solely on my behavior—or they’re labeling my emotions based on how they believe they’d feel in that situation. We can’t really call these people emotion scientists at this point.

We adults want to believe that the emotional lives of children are less complex and messy than our own, but it’s not so. Indeed, sometimes the opposite is true.

Of all the five RULER skills required to be an emotion scientist, this is one of the most challenging to acquire.

Understanding emotions begins when we start to answer that question—why do you or I feel this way? What is the underlying reason for this feeling? What’s causing it?

No wonder it’s scary: once we start asking, there’s no turning back.

Envy could lead us to focus our efforts and work harder to attain something desired. In that case, it may be a force for good. But it can also be the opposite—it can lead to resentment and even to aggression toward the person who has what we desire.

Paradoxical to what we’ve been taught, the constant pursuit of happiness can be self-defeating. Accumulating research shows that the more we value happiness, the more likely we are to feel disappointed.

Stress is a response to too many demands and not enough resources—managing both family/work responsibilities and financial burdens—to meet them.