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We had a bittersweet relationship. While I was extremely afraid of Daddy, I still longed for him to accept and love me. After all, I loved him, no matter what he did. I really did. And I thought if I was good enough, I could make him happy and finally earn his love.
His words stung. “So you’re a thief now? Why would you do something like that? What a bad little girl. Shame on you, Annie! Stupid girl!” Surprisingly, I didn’t get a severe whooping. My punishment was worse. Dad grounded me for a full thirty days. The worst part was that it was in the middle of summer vacation! I wasn’t allowed to leave the house, not even to go into the backyard to play. Every night as I rested my head on my pillow, I felt the guilt and shame of his words cover me with more weight than my heavy blanket. Thief. Bad. Stupid. Throughout my childhood, I was lost in my father’s
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But as I opened my mouth to tell him, my dad bowed his head slightly and said, barely above a whisper, “Annie, I need to tell you something. I need to ask you to forgive me. I didn’t treat you right growing up. My dad raised me pretty rough. He did things to me I can’t talk about right now. I didn’t know how to be a father. And I’m sorry.” My father’s voice trembled as tears slid down the face of a man I had rarely seen cry.
Guilt makes you do funny things. It’s a powerful emotion that changes how you look at, react, and respond to people, situations, and life. Guilt that stems from a place of confusion is a tricky thing. While it may not be legitimate, it can still shape you. And it can create in you a shame that grows and festers for years.
Truth to refute the lies Satan had me tricked into believing for so long! That I was unlovable, that no one would ever forgive me, that my past would always be my enemy, that I would forever be labeled a “whore.”
