The Dominant Doctor Volume 5: Lost Boy ~and~ Under the Doctor's Care

by S.D. Adams

Worrying about my red eyes just gave me something to focus on instead of the look on Greg's face, the feel of his arms on my shoulders, the words that were still going through my head, his request. A kiss? If I had made a list ahead of time of all the things Greg might have said as his last words, anything he might have asked for, a kiss would have been about oh, not on it. Why had he asked that? Was it because he thought I might give in and it would change my mind? I had a hard time thinking he would be that cruel but he'd dropped an 'I love you' too. I needed to stop thinking about him at all. The tears were finally almost under control and if I even considered the fact that he probably actually meant them I was going to...

"Yeah, yeah. Look, I know it makes no sense. You think I was crazy to leave, my friends and family think I was crazy to ever sign. I'm in the middle, trying to do the right thing for me. I just want..." "What? What do you want Chris?" He leaned forward as if my answer really mattered. He was listening. "I want... it all? To be safe but not suffocated? To be needed but not so needy? For amazing sex that's the only rough part of my relationship? To worry less, disappoint people less, frustrate myself less? I want to wake up in the morning in someone's arms. To get kissed good-bye when I leave. A home and a place that fits and that I long to come back to. Someone to miss me when I'm gone. I need to trust someone. That's most important. To trust them and somehow learn to trust myself."

"I'm sorry. For everything." "I'm sorry for very little of it. I enjoyed our time, Chris." "Me too! I miss you." He was silent. Dead silent. "I know I shouldn't but I do. Do you miss me?" "I miss my boy, yes. You, however, I barely recognize. My boy doesn't act the way you have or look the way you do. So no, I don't miss you. Good night."

"You told me, a long time ago, that I could have another boy to bring me flowers and you would make me moan. I need that, I need to go home with you, to the Den. Please?" I scooted off the table and got into forgiveness. I didn't know what else to do. "That's what you want from me?" I wanted everything but I would take anything I could get. Beggars can't be choosers. "Yes." It was quiet for so long that I almost opened my mouth but I had nothing to say and I didn't want to rush him if he was considering it. He was processing, I would wait. I heard the chair squeak. "I can't do that. Not with you. Not anymore."

My mom once told me that people have to be right for each other but also in the right place and the right time. It takes all three for magic to happen. I think you're right for me but I'm now in the wrong place and maybe it's not the right time for you or for me. I'm not sure. All I know is that you should be here and you're not. I guess we're both in the wrong place. I would come up there to you if I thought it would help but I know you don't like being caged in, forced. You need to come to things on your own. We're a lot alike that way. Since I'll probably never say the words again I'll say them here. I love you Chris. In every way I can, I do. Thanks for the kisses. Goodbye, Greg

I missed being part of his life. I should have been with him for this; to help him walk through this minefield. Instead I was on the outside and it was all my fault. But I'd truly felt that I'd had no other choice. I'd felt like the victim in those ancient torture techniques where they tore people limb-from-limb with horses. It's not like I had WANTED to end things with him, I simply hadn't had any other way of saving myself. It was over, no matter how strong the pull. Wasn't it?

"No, not whatever I want. With you it's never what I want." He held his hand up then and I didn't respond. "I'm sorry, that was both untrue and unkind. I'm having an issue with filters, I'm tired. But that was a lie. If that was true I wouldn't miss you." "I miss you too Sir."

"Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to see you there, waiting and willing to be mine, and have to say 'no'?" "Then don't Sir, please. You don't have to say 'no'." Of course he was going to, he was definitely the stronger of the two of us. He was less impulsive and saw the big picture. Damn but that man was so good for me. I knew that this might be as close as I got with him again so I tried to soak in the few seconds I had and accept the freedom that came from being on my knees with him watching over me. Peace washed over me and I relaxed despite my best efforts.

"I should go." "You don't have to." "You've been asking me to since I got here. I should have taken the damn hint. I'm such a fucking moron. I want to be yours right now; playing, flying. But it's my fault, again. So I can't even be mad without hating myself more than I already do. Fuck it. Fuck all of this. Fuck you and your gorgeous blue eyes and that stupid cocky grin. Fuck your broad shoulders and amazing cock and god damn it that dirty talk and most of all, fuck you for making me want things I can't have!"

weird way to dodge traffic. "Why?" "It makes it harder." "Only if both of them try to lead. She's not though, look. She's following him." She was. He stuck his head out and then she followed willingly behind as they darted to the highway divider. "That's how Master and I are. Yes, if I were alone I might not pick that moment to cross, but we're getting to the same place and doing it together. You keep trying to meet up with Sir Greg at the other side." I felt like I'd been smacked in the head with a brick.

I decided that 'almost' was the biggest word in the English language. People used it so easily. They'd almost burned their house down. An athlete had almost won an Olympic medal. I'd almost been strong enough to commute down to see him. I'd almost realized how much he cared. Things were almost okay. Almost.

"What do you want?" It didn't seem like he'd moved. I could feel his eyes burning into my back. "Everything. Everything you're willing to give me Sir." "I shouldn't be in here. We're friends." "The best boyfriends are Sir. Please? Fuck me into the mattress if you want, whatever you want. I need you so much." "Boyfriends. That word has gotten me into a lot of trouble." "A lot of good things too, I hope."

"I guess I'm officially a Lost Boy." He shook his head. "You still don't get it, do you? Those boys were lost BEFORE they found Neverland you moron. I was a lost boy once, trust me. I get it. I was lost and broken and so far down I couldn't even breathe without getting dirt up my nose. And Chris, you got awfully close to being one during your time away, you got a taste. But now you're coming home where you belong; where you're wanted. You're a damn lost boy no matter where you are, don't you get that yet? You can pull an Alex and marry a woman--did that make him less lost? NO. You're lucky, most people don't find their Neverland. Most wander around lost and broken their entire lives looking for their people, for others like them."

What was I going to do with that boy? He was driving me crazy but that was nothing new. He always had, from the very first day I met him. In fact, he had invented entirely new ways of driving a Dom crazy. If Ollie was serious about writing a book then he should talk to Christopher because this was a subject that he knew well. The fact was that I had had my fair share of subs in my day. Some short-term, a few much longer and Eli for over five years. I had found a system that worked well for me and I was comfortable with. And then Christopher had walked into my office and my entire world had been turned upside down within months. Somehow I still had myself convinced that eventually it would right itself again but if anything, it just seemed to get more complicated as time passed.

"Did you keep my cuffs Sir?" The question seemed to come out of nowhere but I guess it made sense that he would think of them since he was looking at a bracelet. I just wasn't sure how to answer it. Of course I'd kept them, I probably always would. But did he need to know that? It seemed like a loaded question and I didn't have the mental space to plot all the courses this conversation could take. "We can discuss that a different day."

"How can I please you Sir?" What I really wanted, what would have pleased me more than anything else, were answers to a few of the questions that were still holding me back from him. I wanted answers about handling his drops. About handling punishments. About reestablishing trust and SafeWords. I wanted to know how to get us back but this time, I wanted Christopher there with me 100%. I wanted to know how to make him happy enough to be able to rid myself of the nagging fear that he would just walk out on me again. Instead, I would settle for him sucking my cock.

"I think your submission is a lot like the waves." He looked at me then and even though the sun had set there was enough light from all the stores and buildings nearby to make out the shape of his face and his eyes which were looking straight at me. "Are you my moon, Sir?" "No." The moon would have some sort of control over that boy. I obviously had none and that was part of the problem. "I watched your waves, felt them too. Maybe I'm the sand or a shell. I'm not very good at those sorts of metaphors. That seems like something you could work out though." It didn't escape me that this metaphor was quite possibly just as stupid as his Neverland one. I didn't have the energy to hold the words in. "Chris, I watched your waves, your peaks. They were my benchmarks, my map. I thought they were important signs. Somehow, I missed the fact that the tide was still going out regardless of how intense or numerous the waves were. You're being a good boy tonight, but what is your ocean doing?"

"Boyfriend cards?" He read it out loud then as if I didn't know what they said. "Boyfriend card. Exchange this card to turn your Dom into a boyfriend for one event. Restrictions apply." "I assume you will use one for dinner with your mother. That is fine, I'm willing to do that since it seems to be important to you. The other you should put aside since I'm certain something will come up at some point during the year." He ran his thumb across the face of one as if it were made of gold.

"What's wrong?" I really hated having to ask him that all time. Twice in one day was two more times than I would have liked to ask him that, ever. I felt like a failure. I hated feeling stupid when I couldn't figure things out like I should be able to.

"Greg, I'm doing the best I can. What's going on with you two, anyway? Did you at least consider sleeping with him tonight? Chris is probably rather lonely and upset about his family." "I assumed you might be rather lonely and you are my family." "I am both of those things. And it's really sweet of you to think of me." She put her hand on my forearm and I knew that meant she wanted me to look at her. She didn't continue until I met her eyes. "But he is family too, at least he would be if you gave him a chance. He's your future, honey and you should never give priority to your past. I won't always be here Gregory but that boy just might be. You should be with him tonight."

This boy. This scared, insecure, amazing boy "What am I going to do with you?" He finally turned his head and met my eyes. "Just take care of me, please." Take care of him? "I don't think that's possible." I had tried, for over a year. He had deemed it not nearly good enough and he was probably correct in that assessment. Didn't he think I would be doing it if I knew how? "Oh. I see. Right. Sorry."

"I never said that I don't want to take care of you!" No, I said, or at least meant, the exact opposite. "I said it was impossible, that I am not capable. If I were capable I would do it but I did everything in my power to make you happy and you threw cuffs in my face. I obviously don't know how to take care of you. Your ribs, and my inability to read you and everything else. Today is a perfect example. I didn't mean to ruin your Christmas. I'm so sorry Pet." And I was.

"We have a very special boy coming on stage tonight to join my little harem in a song for you. His name is Chris and alas he doesn't swing my way but for those Daddies out there looking for new toy, I think he's available. Please though, wait until after the show to drag him away. That's not too much to ask is it?" NO! I resisted the urge to jump on stage and correct her misinformation. He certainly wasn't available. I quickly scanned the room wondering if I had any competition. Kevin was right though, he wasn't contracted and any one of these men could pull him off into a room after the show. That wasn't okay. Was not okay at all. It should have been but it wasn't.

I kissed him hard. At first he froze and then he slowly responded before giving in and letting me have my way. It took a few minutes for my ears to stop ringing and the blood rushing through them to quiet. And then I noticed the clapping and the hollering and the shit-eating grins on the faces of everyone at the table. Christopher pulled my attention back to him though. "To us, Sir." Yes, to us. I liked the sound of that. I had tried other boys, as had he. Still, here we were. There had to be a reason.

"You always make my coffee just right." Of course I did. "Of course I do, that's how you like it." "Yes, yes it is. Thank you." I really had no idea what he was so happy about; it was just coffee, wasn't it?

"If you fail to safeword again it will be the end of us. Do you understand that?" He pulled back a bit and I let him look up at me. "But I--" No, no buts. "I love you and will not risk your safety and well-being again. I would do anything, including not seeing you, in order to keep you safe." I'd proven to both of us that I couldn't keep my hands off of him if we were in close proximity; any end to our relationship would have to be absolute. He swallowed, opened his mouth and then closed it again before looking down. "I love you too Sir. I won't mess up again. I promise."

"For someone who's very rigid in their rules, you certainly seem very open about a lot of things sexually." One had nothing to do with the other. Unlike his behavior. "For someone who's very sensitive about my opinions and how I phrase things, you took that very well." "That's the problem with loving someone and respecting their opinion. They can hurt you." He had a very valid point. I didn't like that part of love either. It certainly did make one sensitive; look how upset I been when Christopher ended our contract. "An unfortunate side effect, to be sure."

"I wasn't referring to that aspect of our relationship. I mean dealing with my issues. Being with someone on the spectrum isn't easy, regardless of how high functioning I like to pretend I am." He smiled. "Was that a joke?" "Maybe?" I shrugged. "Now it's twice as funny because you actually don't know, do you? You crack me up Sir. Well I don't know either but laughing feels better than crying. I should say something witty about how easy you actually are or how much better you've gotten or something. I'm just sort of exhausted right now. But Sir, I don't handle you. I enjoy you."

"I may not like him when he drinks but he's my husband and I will continue to stand by him, just as I expect you to stand by him. He's your father and no, he's not perfect. We have forgiven you for a lot, Chris, a LOT and you need to do the same for him." "Forgiven me for what? For being gay? For being a hell of a lot less submissive to my Dom than you are to your husband but somehow I'm a freak?" "Christopher, I know that you don't get it. You don't get it because you don't know what it means to stand your ground. You run away at the first sign of trouble, at the first sign of difficulty. Greg here is your longest relationship that I can remember and even that you managed to almost mess up, didn't you? Don't you dare try to make me feel bad for supporting my husband and being there for him. It takes a lot more strength to stay, a strength that you obviously don't understand."

He was grinning but not meeting my eyes. "I can certainly think about it Sir. Can I have a few minutes to soak that in?" "Yes, certainly." "Is there any chance you want to throw me over your shoulder and haul me into the bedroom? I do some of my best thinking while getting fucked senseless." I highly doubted that. Since he often nearly forgot to breathe I didn't think he was going to be doing high level mental calculations. Still, it wasn't a bad idea.