The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America

by Matt Kracht

but to help you on your way to a deeper understanding and appreciation of how truly horrible these tiresome little creatures are.

If you are like me, the observation of birds may well become a lifetime distraction and ultimately provide you with countless hours of profound irritation.

but it almost certainly started with some early 19th century drip staring at a tree for hours with his mouth agape. When a passing acquaintance asked him what he was up to, he probably said, “What? Oh, I was watching a bird,” and was subsequently ridiculed for wasting time watching a common bird doing bird things. This no doubt led him to decide, “I had better say ‘I am bird watching’ the next time, because that sounds like I’m doing something serious.”

the only substantive difference between a “birder” and a “bird watcher” is the degree of pretentious erudition versus competitive prick-ness.

Undertail Coverts: This is getting boring.

😂

The birds in this guide are organized according to the type of bird they are deep down inside.

It builds its nest on the ground in open grasslands, which proves it’s stupid. If you can fly, why the hell don’t you build your nest in a tree where it’s at least safe from dogs.

Let’s be honest, this shit is boring as hell. You might as well put some booze in that thermos. Whether you’re going to be sitting outdoors for hours on end, or just staring out your kitchen window, it helps to be a little drunk.

😂

In no time you will naturally move on to jotting notes about how it behaved like an asshole, what kind of nerve-racking call it made, or the look of blank stupidity in its eyes, etc.

😁

In fact, one could argue it’s better that way, because you look like an idiot stumbling through the woods with your hands full of paints and brushes. But if you don’t mind the other birders laughing behind your back, then go right ahead. I recommend a pocket-sized portable watercolor kit, because maybe you won’t look so obvious.

😂