The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America

by Matt Kracht

At some point a bunch of Type As decided to make the watching of birds even more unenjoyable by declaring that the whole point of it was going to be who can see the most birds in the course of their overcompetitive lifetime.

Today, in reality, the two terms are for the most part used interchangeably by laypeople, and the only substantive difference between a “birder” and a “bird watcher” is the degree of pretentious erudition versus competitive prick-ness.

Flanks: This is ornithologist-speak for the sides of a bird. What a bunch of a-holes. Just call it the sides.

some sparrow enthusiasts even say that one frequently heard song resembles the first three notes of Ludwig van Beethoven’s Symphony No. 5 . . . Just think about that for a moment, because what the hell are you talking about? Beethoven’s 5th opens with maybe the most recognizable four-note motif in orchestra music. Everybody knows it: “Duh-duh-duh DAHHHHHH!” The first three notes, however, are just “duh-duh-duh.”