The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America

by Matt Kracht

Exactly how and when the chain of events leading to the present debate was set in motion is impossible to say, but it almost certainly started with some early 19th century drip staring at a tree for hours with his mouth agape.

“I had better say ‘I am bird watching’ the next time, because that sounds like I’m doing something serious.”

Bill or Beak: No one knows what the difference between a bill and a beak is, but the shape and size is pretty important if you’re trying to identify a bird.

Bird songs are typically sung by the male. It’s basically intended to warn other males away from its breeding territory, impress the females, and announce its availability for romance. In most species, the song is limited to the breeding season, because let’s face it, if you know you’re not going to get lucky all winter long, why waste your breath singing about it.

The first bird watchers may or may not have known that, fundamentally, the act of watching birds disturbs birds. If they did understand this, I’m pretty sure they didn’t give two shits because if you’re a 19th century naturalist, being sensitive to a bird’s feelings is not your primary concern.

American Goldfink Common Name: American Goldfinch Look at this handsome little fuck.

Black-capped Prickadee Common Name: Black-capped Chickadee A lot of people consider this bird cute. Whatever. They are curious and have a habit of energetically investigating everything and everyone that might possibly be a bird feeder.

Dork-eye Junco Common Name: Dark-eyed Junco Sometimes described as attractive, or even “flashy,” this twerp is actually just another gray American sparrow.

Guess what color this dumb bluebird bird is!

Evening Grossbutt Common Name: Evening Grosbeak This fat-billed little chunk-of-finch is usually found in the northern coniferous forest, but during the winter you basically can’t hide from it.

Golden Crowned Dumb-Shit Common Name: Golden-crowned Kinglet This dumb little shit just hops all over the place. In the trees. In the grass. In the bushes. Everywhere. Nonstop. It can’t sit still for even one goddamned second so you could maybe take a picture of it that’s not blurry or obscured by twigs. That’s why I had to draw the little fuck instead. He has a stupid yellow stripe on his head.

Goddamn Song Sparrow Common Name: Song Sparrow This sparrow gets its name from its repertoire of colorful songs—so colorful, some sparrow enthusiasts even say that one frequently heard song resembles the first three notes of Ludwig van Beethoven’s Symphony No. 5 . . .

Gray Cat Turd Common Name: Gray Catbird This perching gray turd of the mimid family is a relative of mockingbirds and thrashers, but its scientific name, dumetella carolinensis, is based upon the Latin term dumus. Which, if you think about it, sounds a lot like dumbass.

House Binch Common Name: House Finch These cheerful sons-of-finches were originally native to Mexico and the Southwestern United States, but they moved their way up the West Coast in the ’50s and ’60s.

Lameland Longspur Common Name: Lapland Longspur Also called a “Lapland Bunting,” this streaked brown sparrow is common in the Arctic tundra during the summer months when it is breeding and enjoying continual daylight and a rich diet of insects.

Dumb-Ass Robin Common Name: American Robin North America is freaking filled with these birds.

Shit-Headed Cowbird Common Name: Brown-headed Cowbird These shit-heads are the worst.

Doofus Hummingbird Common Name: Rufous Hummingbird I’ve heard them described as “the feistiest of all hummingbirds.”

Belted King-Pisser Common Name: Belted Kingfisher Look at this ridiculous fish-eating bird! Look how big his head is compared to his body! Hah!

American Redfart Common Name: American Redstart Deep black with vibrant flashes of orange on the wings, flank, and tail, these medium-sized warblers could almost be mistaken for fat butterflies, if only they would shut up and calm down for a minute.

Territorial and full of themselves, the males make a big deal out of trying to get noticed during breeding season by nasally shrieking their “CONK-ah-SKwEEE” song, over and over, from every damp field and soggy roadside.

Red-winged Buttwad Common Name: Red-winged Blackbird Territorial and full of themselves, the males make a big deal out of trying to get noticed during breeding season by nasally shrieking their “CONK-ah-SKwEEE” song, over and over, from every damp field and soggy roadside.

The buttwads in northern North America migrate to the southern United States.

Scarlet Teenager Common Name: Scarlet Tanager What is it with these tanagers? The males are possibly the most unnecessarily red birds in any eastern forest.

Common Goon Common Name: Common Loon They stick out like dumbasses. In the summertime you might see bunch of these big black and white fish-divers just floating around in the middle of a lake. It’s like a car full of guys in tuxedos slowly cruising a strip mall parking lot after hours: suspicious.

Goddamned Canada Goose Common Name: Canada Goose Thanks a lot, Canada.

Seadull Common Name: Seagull If you live near the coast, these sons of bitches are everywhere.

Solitary Sand-pooper Common Name: Solitary Sandpiper Pretty much all sandpipers migrate in flocks and nest on the ground, but not this dickweed.

Wood Snork Common Name: Wood Stork These big bald-headed wading birds are the only member of the stork family that breeds in the United States.

Habitat: Southeastern swamps, nightmares.

Wood Snork Common Name: Wood Stork Habitat: Southeastern swamps, nightmares.

Crested Chacha Common Name: Crested Caracara Sometimes called the Northern Crested Caracara or Audubon’s Crested Caracara, this big lazy son of a bitch should have its bird-of-prey-license revoked, because it mainly feeds on carrion.

Pooper’s Hawk Common Name: Cooper’s Hawk A medium-sized hawk named after New York naturalist William Cooper, who founded an academy or something.

Passenger Pudgen Common Name: Passenger Pigeon This nomadic pigeon was found more or less everywhere east of the Rocky Mountains in North America until about the beginning of the 20th century.

It should go without saying, but be warned that if you choose to put a bird feeder in your yard, you are probably going to attract a bunch of birds.