The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America

by Matt Kracht

These are intended to aid not only with proper identification, but to help you on your way to a deeper understanding and appreciation of how truly horrible these tiresome little creatures are.

Chin: This may often be hard to see on a bird, as most birds are weak-chinned. This suggests they have a weak personality and may lack the willpower to follow projects through to completion.

The birds in this guide are organized according to the type of bird they are deep down inside.

These big bald-headed wading birds are the only member of the stork family that breeds in the United States. More importantly, they really creep me the fuck out.

This ice-cold motherfucker is what’s called a “predatory songbird.” It really should be called a “Murder-Bird” because the homicidal little shrike feeds on small mammals and other birds and, I swear I am not making this up, often impales them on thorns or barbed wire fences. That is some sick shit right there. Its scientific name, Lanius excubitor, literally means “sentinel butcher.” Bonus Fact: If you look into the cold, black abyss of their eyes you can see evil.