Rock Bottom Girl

by Lucy Score

“Now, Jake. Now,” I chanted.

A lazy night in with my parents and my boyfriend? It sounded great. But so did a corner office and my name on a business card. I needed a sign. A big, bright neon sign telling me what to do.

I wanted to stay in Culpepper. With Jake and my parents and my team. I wanted the life I’d somehow stumbled into.

“I’m so fucking proud of you, Mars,” he whispered in my ear. But I didn’t believe him. I hadn’t done anything to be proud of. I’d disappointed my team.

“I was looking for a sign, and I guess I got it.”

“I thought I was finally getting my act together, you know? I thought things were going well. That maybe I was supposed to stay here.”

“Of course you’re supposed to stay here, Mars. What the hell are you talking about?” “All I do is screw things up, Jake.”

“You’re speaking a foreign language right now. Come on. Get your stuff....

I didn’t want to go inside. Jake pulled into his driveway, and I sat staring at the house that I’d fallen in love with. I’d fallen in love with the man, too.

“I’m asking you to stay, Mars. Stay here. Be mine. Let me be yours. Live in this haunted house with me and Homer. Work with me. Run with me. Make me lunches. Let me hold you while you fall asleep on the porch.”

“Grow old and obnoxious with me, Marley Jean Cicero. I want to be raising a ruckus at bingo with you when we’re eighty and don’t give a fuck.”

Panic clawed at my chest. I could see it. See a life here with him. But it wasn’t what I’d planned. What I’d been pursuing my entire life.

“Tough shit, Mars. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, but I did, and here we are.” “What?” “Oh, like you’re surprised?”

He’d actually meant what he’d told my boobs? He was in love with me? “Why did you go and do a dumbass thing like that?”

“I don’t fucking know! It wasn’t exactly a choice.”

“So you expect me to fall in love with you and just let you walk away?”

“I expect you to hold up your end of the bargain,”

“You would rather I kept my lips zipped and waved you off at the end of December without a word?” “Yes! That is exactly what I would have wanted you to do.” “Why in the hell should I make this easier on you when you aren’t doing a damn thing to soften the blow for me? I’m in love with you, jackass!” “How do you know?” I demanded stubbornly. “You’ve never even been in a relationship before.” “I’m smart enough to know what love is. And I’m not a chickenshit

about it. I love you, Mars, and you fucking love me back.”

But the truth was, I’d loved him for months. Maybe even since the first time he’d yelled at me. He cared enough to try. But he could do better. He deserved better. So did my girls. My students. They deserved someone better.

“Look. We don’t have to get married right away if you don’t want to,”

“Married? Are you thinking abou...

“The thought had crossed my mind a couple of times before I heard your blood-curdling scream at the idea a second ago.” “Jake, I’m not supposed to be here! Do you see the damage I inflict? Those girls gave me their all. They did everything I asked of them. And I ruined it for them. This time, it wasn’t just my own life I was ruining.

I got those girls’ hopes up. I told them they could do anything they set their minds to, and then I sent them out on that field to get crushed. I crushed them. They were devastated tonight.”

“I don’t even know where to start with that idiotic statement. First of all, it’s a sport, and someone has to lose. ...

“That’s exactly what los...

“This is some mid-life crisis deal, isn’t it? You’re scared. So you think leaving’s the answer. You’re just painting a pretty picture about seeking your destiny. But spoiler alert, sweetheart. Hard losses don’t mean you’re in the wrong place.”

“What does that have to do with you and me?” “I’m not supposed to be here, Jake. This isn’t what I want.” “What do you want, Mars. Tell me. Enunciate clearly so I can get it through my thick head.” “I don’t know! How does anyone know?”

“Then how do you know that this isn’t exactly what you want? Exactly where you’re supposed to be? How do you know that every shitty job, every crappy relationship, every mistake wasn’t leading you here to me? To those girls. To this town.”

“Bullshit. Maybe you fell for the fake label, but I knew from the start this was going to get real.”

“I wanna know

when you’re going to stop acting like high school ruined your entire life. When are you going to step up and be brave enough to find out what you really want? Not what your seventeen-year-old self wanted. Not what your sister wants or what you think your parents want. What the hell do you want, Mars?”

“Jake.” I said his name wearily. “I’m sorry. But this isn’t what I want.”

“I’m not what you want?” “None of this is what I want. I need something different. I’m not going to become a better person here. I’m just constantly reminded of all my shortcomings over and over again. I want more.”

“I love you, Mars. I want more of this. More of you. You’ve made me a better person. Just look at what you’ve done for me. Look at this house.”

“Do you think you’re unlovable? Unworthy as is?” That’s exactly what I was.

“Good. Now, for the fun part. What are your plans for next year?” I blinked. “Next year?” “January.”

“I’m interviewing for other jobs,” I said hesitantly. “Have you considered staying on here?”

“Becoming a permanent member of the faculty,”

“But there are ways to teach without having a teaching degree. The point is, you’re an excellent fit. And I would be thrilled to recommend to the board that we make your position permanent.”

“I assumed you’d be interested in the position.” “It’s a great job,”

Jake: You can run, but you can’t hide. We need to talk. Stop being a chickenshit.

Why did everything I’d always wanted feel so damn wrong?

I was reeling. The woman I wanted to be was sitting next to me on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

“I’ve always envied you, you know.” “Me?” I squeaked. “Why?” “You’re just free to be. If something isn’t the right fit, you move on, and you try something else. I’m stuck. I’ve dug myself into a hole so deep in this job that I can’t leave or people will literally die.”

“I’m having an out-of-body experience here,” I admitted. “I thought both of you had the perfect lives.” Zinnia and Amie Jo shared a slightly hysterical laugh.

“Out of all of us, you’re the happy one,” Amie Jo said accusingly. “Happy? I’m not happy. I’m fucking miserable. My life is one failure after another!”

“You were happy, M,” my sister said. “Like really happy. And I kinda just want to push you out of this tree for not recognizing it.”

“He loves her for who she is. She doesn’t even bother with makeup or brushing her hair half the time, and Jake looks at her like she’s Gisele Bündchen in front of a camera. It’s disgusting.”

“You know, I think that’s the thing I hate about you most,” Amie Jo mused. “You don’t have to try. You don’t have to wear extensions and shoes that make you lose your toenails. You don’t have to spend six hours a week in a tanning bed afraid that your husband will leave you if