Over the Top: A Raw Journey to Self-Love

by Jonathan Van Ness

In therapy I had learned about “selective permeability” (a term that pertains to cellular membranes letting some, but not all, molecules enter the cell; the same can apply to interacting with people—not taking on the experiences or negativity of others, but staying open to accepting joy or gratitude)

Learning to hold a safe space for people to share with me while maintaining my well-being is a delicate dance.

Because when you have this much personality, there’s a fear lurking just below the surface: If you knew all of me, you wouldn’t love me anymore. You would no longer want me as your new best friend.

Joy can live beside sorrow.

Comparing ourselves to people on social media is as risky as using WebMD to diagnose yourself. You’ll end up way more stressed than before—just don’t even go there. Comparison is that stop we can just ride on past because it smells bad and is relentlessly draining.

All I had to lose was the moment, and a moment is something that we should never let go to waste.

I had expected Minnesota to have really gorgeous summers, but that’s a full lie: it’s, like, 103 degrees there in the summer, with 97 percent humidity.

Cancer will always be a thief, a greedy bitch who steals the dignity from the people closest to you. It’s a fate I could not wish on anyone. This fate, this unfairness, this reality was something I would not face—could not face.

One thing I have come to notice in my life is that recovery for me has not been linear. It’s more two steps forward, three back, five forward, two back, so I’m always improving but there are setbacks within the improvement.

(Fuck its are something you can catch when you have just been pushed too far outside of your threshold of tolerance, so you say “fuck it.”)

The hardest thing about losing a loved one to cancer is when the tide starts to turn and you know that you’re getting beat and you know how serious each minute has become.

Life is so much a daily exercise in learning to love yourself and forgive yourself, over and over.

Sometimes our insecurity and fear about being alone or independent in the world can be our Achilles’ heel.

When the people around you believe in you and your potential wholeheartedly, you can make your dreams come true. If they believe your dreams are out of reach, you have to open the door and make your way to people who want to basket-toss your ass right into those dreams.

At the end of the day, the people we let in our space affect our ability to get to where we want to go, so if they’re in the way of realizing your potential, it’s okay to disconnect because you must choose yourself. I used to think that was selfish but really it’s just healthy.

(One word to the wise there, kids: Keep in touch! You never know when you’ll need someone’s help.)