Over the Top: A Raw Journey to Self-Love

by Jonathan Van Ness

therapy I had learned about “selective permeability” (a term that pertains to cellular membranes letting some, but not all, molecules enter the cell; the same can apply to interacting with people—not taking on the experiences or negativity of others, but staying open to accepting joy or gratitude)

The whole parts thing is really ferosh, but I didn’t come up with it. It actually came from this doctor, Richard C. Schwartz, who created something called internal family systems therapy. According to him, we were all born as a centered self, who is perfect and whole and can handle anything. But as we experience trauma in life, the centered self doesn’t know quite how to deal with it, so it develops pieces of ourselves that we can call upon based on the situations we find ourselves in. It’s not as intense as multiple personality disorder—it’s more, like, we all have these parts in our personality, but some people’s are more extreme or polarized than others.

My personality is a minivan, actually a small bus. There are different pieces of me that are all driving together, with one in charge based on what’s happening in my life. Ideally, you get the parts to realize that they’re all in the same car—and they’re all trying to help, but your centered self is actually capable of driving you back to a safe, soothing place.

I love a box. I love no loose ends. I love a clearly processed idea. Taco Bell is my favorite fast food because she’s as processed as it gets.

Their need to love each other fully always outweighed anyone’s need to be right.

I found a lot of my healing when I realized that my suffering didn’t undo my joy.

I allowed myself to be hurt in that relationship as much as he hurt me. The power we assign to people is the power we give them—it wasn’t organic to the relationship.

I had been stung by the content creation bee. She’s an elusive little creature. Her sting is highly addictive. Her symptoms include a constant need for creative expression, an incessant thirst for validation, and a sense of having something to say but not knowing quite how to say it.

Learning to parent yourself, with soothing compassionate love, forgiving yourself, and learning from all the decisions you made to get you to where you are—that’s the key to being fulfilled. Learning to be the dream parent cheerleader to yourself. It’s been in you the whole time. And no matter how down you get, you can always make a gorgeous recovery.