Twice in a Blue Moon

by Christina Lauren

Last night was like falling into a pool of warm water, of knowing you have the entire day to swim in the sun, and nothing to do at the end of it but sleep.

If my heart was racing before, it was torpedoing now, a wild metronome inside me that couldn’t keep pace with this song.

“Do you want to live in the sun?” he asked quietly. “Or do you want to go back in the shadows?”

I’m fighting the fear that I’m no more than a stepping-stone to every man who has ever meant anything to me.

“You can’t blame me for being protective. It’s like when a friend breaks up with someone and tells you all the terrible things about them. They get back together but you’re just supposed to forget about it all?”

I don’t want to want him anymore. I don’t like the feeling that I would kiss him in a heartbeat if I could.

I want him to want me. I want it to eat him up inside, like a cancer that can’t be cured.

I want every wish he ever makes to be for this. A penny in a fountain. The first star. An eyelash. Eleven eleven. Just for one more time.

It’s occurred to me more than once lately that I’ve always been better at living someone else’s life than living my own.