The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality * Next Generation Indie Book Awards Winner in LGBT *

by Julie Sondra Decker

Abstaining from sex is not the same thing as asexuality; it is the experience of attraction, not the behavior, which defines a person’s orientation.

Asexuality describes a mature state, not a passing phase or a blank spot before “real” maturation. Asexual isn’t something you call a child before they reach sexual maturity. Asexuality applies to maturing or mature people.

If someone’s hair color or weight or marital status changes, they change how they describe themselves. The change in description does not mean they weren’t an authentic example of what the previous label described when it fit them.

If people didn’t believe sexual relationships automatically rank higher than nonsexual ones, the phrase more than friends wouldn’t be so common. People wouldn’t refer to friendships as arrangements in which “there’s nothing between us.”

Some people are repulsed at the idea of having sex with someone who isn’t attractive to them, and when a person is asexual, no one is sexually attractive. It’s just the way they are.

Asexual people bring insight into romantic identity and breakdowns of different types of intimacy that aren’t commonly discussed, especially if a queer space is very sex-focused.

Asexual people are commonly told they’re only getting harassed because they disclosed their orientation—that they will only experience these discriminatory and prejudicial attitudes if they discuss it. Why, after all, would they bring it up if not bringing it up would free them from being criticized?

Partnered relationships are so expected in our society that being happy without one is often regarded as impossible.

We live in a world that tells us sex is something we’re supposed to love, so if we have any other feelings about it, it’s natural to look for something to blame.

Nobody else gets to decide that what another person has been through negates their self-concept.

“It is not okay within mainstream society for a woman to never express sexual desire. It is certainly not okay to be openly, loudly asexual, and it is damn well not the ideal for women to be asexual. Where do you think the term frigid comes from? Did you think it was a compliment?”

The single most common and resoundingly consistent answer from asexual communities is that we want you to acknowledge that asexuality exists.