Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

by Harriet Lerner

Yet both personal integrity and success in relationships depend on our ability to take responsibility for our part (and only our part) even when the other person is being a jerk.

Another fine way to ruin an apology is to view your apology as an automatic ticket to forgiveness and redemption, that is, it’s really about you and your need for reassurance. “I’m sorry” shouldn’t be viewed as a bargaining chip you give to get something back from the injured party, like forgiveness. The words “Do you forgive me?” or “Please forgive me” are a valued ritual in certain close relationships, and it’s fine to apologize and ask for forgiveness if you are in a relationship where the hurt party appreciates this. But if you as the wrongdoer expect or demand forgiveness, or request it prematurely, you may end up with a failed apology.