See What You Made Me Do: Power, Control and Domestic Violence

by Jess Hill

if she is ‘difficult’, addicted, uses violence to defend herself or her children, or exhibits the chaotic effects of trauma – she may be judged to be as or even more guilty than the man abusing her.

Conversely, judicial officers may also discriminate against a woman who presents as strong and independent, because they can’t reconcile competence and strength with their belief that true victims are vulnerable and helpless.

‘The insidiousness and power of emotional abuse paralleled the invisibility, strength and purpose of a spider’s web … As in a web, the components were interwoven; no strand could be considered in isolation from the support and reinforcement of the other, and within this web … the struggle for change was complex.’

When we fall in love, we thrill at the potential for ‘oneness’ – the chance to have a true partner in life, someone who knows us better than we know ourselves, who can accept and love us for our flaws and vulnerabilities.

domestic abuse needs intimacy in order to thrive. Once intimacy is established, the perpetrator has everything he needs to hold his partner captive: trust, unique insights into her flaws and vulnerabilities, and her belief that the true him is the one she fell in love with, while the abusive him is just something to be fixed.

Abusers are notorious for rushing the first stage of intimacy, something that’s often described by survivors as a kind of ‘love-bombing’.

Survivors commonly recall being swept off their feet by a man more passionately interested in them tha...

Sharing secrets and confiding intimate details is the kind of self-revealing behaviour that bonds us to a partner.

The sharing of confidences makes us allies and gets us invested in the journey our partners are on to overcome their ‘difficulties’ and grow into the best parts of themselves.

This alliance is exactly the protection an abuser needs; it persuades the victim that their abusiveness is just a...

The process of realising that the person they share a bed with – the person they have taken into their heart – is actually a mortal threat to them, and possibly to their children, is not only painful and frightening – it can be virtually inconceivable.§

I never once thought of myself as a battered wife. Instead, I was a very strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man, and I was the only person on earth who could help Conor face his demons.’

Before women realise they’re a victim of domestic abuse, they see themselves as just another woman in a difficult relationship – albeit one that’s more difficult than most. Often, it’s a relationship they’ve invested a lot of time in, with someone they think they know better than anyone else. Most don’t want to give that up until they are sure there is no way to save it.

can fix him’: Their abuser is deeply troubled and needs a strong woman to get better.

he would promise me that he’d get counseling, that he’d do whatever it took to get better … in those moments, he seemed to me like a lost, broken boy – and I would ache for him. I loved him so much that seeing his pain felt far worse than the pain he inflicted on me.’32

It’s partly my fault’: Some women believe the abuse will stop if they work out how to change their own behaviour – how to be more passive, more agreeable, more sensitive to their partner’s needs.

‘People in captivity become adept practitioners of the art of altered consciousness,’ she writes. ‘Through the practice of dissociation, voluntary thought suppression, minimisation and sometimes outright denial, they learn to alter an unbearable reality.’

‘the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one’s mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them’.

Over time, as the abuse worsens, his perspective becomes more important, to the point where she may start to see the world through his eyes more than her own.

So that thinking badly of him and his thoughts fees akin to betraying you and your thoughts

Men who say they love their partners. Men who say they want equal rights for women.

degrading them, monitoring their movements and creating an environment of confusion, contradiction and extreme threat.

The smaller group of men – who were internally calm when arguing – were observed to be more aggressive and even sadistic towards their partners.

George was attached to the experience of having power over someone, but was not emotionally attached to Vicky herself. She could be anyone – so long as she was someone he could dominate.

Pit Bulls, Don ‘didn’t know he was dangerous’. Cobras like George, on the other hand, knew they were dangerous – they just didn’t care.

Cobras were generally hedonistic and impulsive, and blighted by a pathological sense of entitlement. They abused and dominated their wives to get what they wanted, whenever they wanted it. They had little interest in intimacy and did not fear abandonment. Instead, they appeared interested only in the benefits their wives could provide: sex, money, social profile, and so on. They were in the relationship for instant gratification and the thrill of being dominant.

Cobras were the abusers most likely to answer the door calmly to police and fool them into believing it was really their agitated and hysterical wife who was the problem, not them.

Statistically, Cobras were also the ones most likely to have antisocial personality disorders – the sociopathic/psychopathic types relatively untroubled by mess...

Vicky could see how wounded George was, and like so many other women devoted to their abusers was determined she would be the woman to help him heal.

Cobras were less interested in chasing; they were at their most dangerous when they were about to be exposed and left – for instance, if their partner threatened to call the police or take them to court. For Cobras, the emphasis is on the control, not on the insecure need that drives Pit Bulls; if she leaves and doesn’t seek to reveal his abuse, a Cobra can simply move on to the next woman.

They also noticed something else about these coercive controllers: ‘They all think they’re undiscovered geniuses,’ said Gottman. ‘Like, one guy that we studied, who is a Pit Bull; he was sure that he was going to become really famous internationally for his coin collection. That was his claim to fame. All of them had this ethos – “I’m an undiscovered talent, and the world has abused me by not recognising my great talent.” They get the woman to go along with this. They’re on their side, that this person should be a celebrity. In reality, a lot of these guys don’t do very well.’

Those guys are really terrifying, because when the women leave, they try to get even, and they make sure they ruin these women’s lives.

‘Some will tell you that they’re selective on who they get involved with in their relationships – they’re looking for someone that they can violate, that they can groom, and [they’re looking] for the opportunity to control them.’

‘For these guys, the lack of empathy, the lack of regard for the victim … You’re banging your head on a wall to have them in a therapeutic group. In fact, they will often try to collude with the facilitators, and speak on behalf of the other guys.’ Appealing to their sense of empathy or remorse is a waste of time, though they may show glimmers of both (generally as a tactic,

‘The motivation [for change] will be freedom, what quality of life he’s looking for, and what the community expects from him.’