Every Body Looking

by Candice Iloh

they tell me there’s a big world out there and they tell me

he looks at me on the days I do right

but my mama was different my mama just wasn’t really the type

Dad says having money brings peace always quotes what seems like his favorite bible verse that says money is the answer to everything money answereth to all matters

when we didn’t have the money to travel overseas learned rhythms to tell stories learned steps used to ground us began learning how to find home later on in my own skin

When you get too big to be carried when you start wanting things beyond food or a place to sleep when you start needing a way to make sense of everything happening when you start growing further away from what used to be home you go looking for somewhere that lets you be what’s inside your head you go find a way to get back to your own history lesson to your own way of being alive

maybe leaving this place maybe choosing no longer to hide will set me free one day

When people talk about college they never really talk about how you’re going to change before your whole family’s eyes

Growing up my dad would pray before during and after everything and honestly it was cool until it made us late for things and made me question why we couldn’t do things with our own strength

started wondering what my father was so afraid of what was on the other side of amen that was so bad we couldn’t just do it

Words are powerful unless they’re not biblical unless they’re not written by men unless they’re unlike Jesus’s spit itself why can’t I pray outside of his name? why is my name not enough?

Ada (Aah-dah!) in the Igbo language means first daughter means oldest girl means pressure means you are expected to do a lot of things you don’t want to do because the honor of this family rests on your back

When sitting by yourself eating food that doesn’t taste like home you eat fast and leave without being noticed

Aunty’s pidgin English is so cool I’m almost able to ignore that she has already called me fat

I thought the word PRIVATE would be a warning to someone who may not know if they should read I thought the word PRIVATE could still somehow mean don’t touch I thought PRIVATE was a place I could feel safe enough to speak and not be made fun of or spanked or called names somewhere I knew I would be believed

In this house I’ve learned that children do not raise their voices to adults do not accuse adults of being wrong do not accuse adults of disrespect according to tradition, all of that is impossible

my father too proud to understand being different meant being alone

Adults never think that we are listening that us kids can hear the things they say to each other about us the things they say to us about each other they must think we see everything as play

I was waiting for this mama that I know this mama I’ve always got to be careful with this mama who is more thorn than rose petal this mama always a ticking time bomb ready to explode this mama who’s missing someone she always hurts this mama who wishes I’d just call sometimes think of her some days remember that no matter what it’s her that I came from it’s still her that I owe for the pain

Thank you for constantly reminding me of the kids in all of us who just want to be felt, heard, seen, loved, and supported.