Every Body Looking

by Candice Iloh

We pull into my high school’s parking lot for the last day I will ever have to smile at these people like I ever belonged here

I will not miss these prayers in someone else’s name these requests that god stop me these scriptures written by men these memories that no one knows about

My eyelids don’t seem able to meet each other so tonight quietly I climb out of bed

Except here everybody’s black or brown and I’m not the only one who looks like their parents gave them a name not everyone can pronounce

When sitting by yourself eating food that doesn’t taste like home you eat fast and leave without being noticed

And her first project is me: How to Fix Your Fat American Niece

my father too proud to understand being different meant being alone

her sadness hung stale like the aroma of bacon smoke and chicken grease long after the house had been fed

fiending to extend their good time

they’ve been given witness something bigger course through their veins sense a confidence I don’t yet think I can call mine

The clothes we all came in with are all now darker versions of themselves soaked in the salty wetness of the last hour

all I know is that I wanted to see the girl in my reflection keep up for once

stupid questions do exist you better not keep showing up to my class proving me right

only masochists spend two hours on a monday studying dancing when they’re in danger of failing out of their actual major

it just seems like nothing inside of me cares about doing this

I hate everything inside of me unable to find enough energy to fake wanting to do anything like this for the rest of my life

this mama who is more thorn than rose petal this mama always a ticking time bomb ready to explode

what is with parents signing the ends of text messages