The Day I Died

by E.B. Black

The details were right, but a small voice in the back of my head nagged that everything was still wrong.

“Why would you think such a thing? I’m your father and I will always be here for you.” I’d always dreamed of my father saying these words to me again, but now that he had, I worried they were empty.

The darkness was lonely, but I could suck in air now. I called out for my father a few times. He never answered.

I had lived. And living meant that I had tried to kill myself and failed.

I’d always known I couldn’t do anything right, but killing myself? I thought I’d at least be able to succeed with that.

Shame and embarrassment filled my heart as I wondered what my family and best friend would say. Would they be angry at what I’d done? Sad? Would they want me to explain it...

I just didn’t have the energy for those things anymore. I preferred listening to music while I lay in bed.

I was supposed to get the same break from all the complications of life my father had when he ended it all. But that’s not what happened. I was stuck in a living hell again.

“Did you try to kill yourself?” I laughed, but felt no humor. “No, I just swallowed three bottles of pain reliever and sleeping pills because I thought they would make me high.”

wanted to get out of here and back to lying in my bed—listening to music and trying to sleep.

Because I was always crying and just didn’t want it to hurt anymore. Because I was tired of always feeling like such a burden to everyone I cared about.

I wanted the earth to swallow me whole.

It always felt as if she would be happier and better off without me around.

“How could you do this to me?” she whispered. But I hadn’t done this to her. I had done it to myself, in order to save her and others from the burden of being around me anymore. Why hadn’t she just let me die?

“And you have no idea what it has done to Roger and Jessica as well,” my mother added. “Your stepfather had to take a week off work and baby Jessica has been crying nonstop. She is inconsolable. Babies sense when things are going wrong, you know, even if they don’t fully understand yet.” And again, somehow, something that was supposed to be my problem was all about my stepfather and step-sibling instead.

As usual, my problems no longer mattered if Jessica was in the room. Yes, Jessica was cute, adorable, and a baby, but that didn’t mean they had to make me feel as if I shouldn’t exist, like every problem I had got in the way of taking care of Jessica.

His words terrified me more than anything else. Would she really be happier without me?

I didn’t want to need my mother anymore, but every once in a while, I’d lay in bed, tears pouring down my face as I resisted the urge to run to her, crying, and ask whether she still saw me as her dear little girl or whether Jessica had replaced me.

I didn’t want anyone to see me that vulnerable.

I figured they were some kind of antidepressants and I hoped they’d make me feel happy. But the walls looked just as gray and my heart felt just as pained, even hours afterward.

I didn’t feel like I belonged, but I was trapped.

I needed my music. I needed it to cope with what I had just been through. The thought of doing so was the only thing that had gotten me through the hospital stay.

Without my phone, I couldn’t text Samantha. I had no one to vent to and be myself with. I felt all alone.

Trying to kill myself had pushed the one person I trusted too far and I was all alone now.

“I just thought it would burden you. I didn’t want to upset you. I thought you were tired of hearing me whine all the time.”

“Of course I’m not sick of you,” Samantha said. “I wouldn’t be best friends with someone I was tired of.”

“But I’m so tired,” I said. “It’s like there’s less color in everything. The sky is darker. The world is dimmer. Things that used to be fun, like singing, just make me tired now. I’ve been trying so hard for so long now that I deserve to rest. It’s selfish for you to ask me to withstand it when I can barely get out of bed most days.”

Maybe I was just a bad daughter

“No, please, I’m sorry!” Tears poured down my face and I hated giving him the satisfaction of seeing me beg and cry. “I didn’t mean to!” I’d only been trying to find my phone.

I cried out, begging and pleading, anything to make him stop.

I collapsed on the ground, holding my arm as they continued to holler at each other. They were screaming things back and forth. I covered my ears and shut my eyes, not wanting to hear or see anything else anymore. All I wanted to do was cry and hold my stinging arm.

I was afraid she wouldn’t stop him from hurting me a second time.

It’s humbling to have a little person look up to you like that.

Maja ♥

I can’t say it’s always easy for me to get up in the morning or that I’m never tempted to try to kill myself again, but that day ended my need to try to fight these battles alone anymore.

I know that it is silence that kills people, silence that rips people apart,

You deserve a safe place to process your emotions.