When God Becomes Real

by Brian Johnson

He challenges us to confront the very thing many spend most of their lives avoiding—pain! Brian offers a unique perspective toward pain, sharing that our darkest moments can become defining moments, moments in which God becomes real! Often, in times of difficulty, what we truly believe is tested. It’s in these moments when we learn to use worship as both a weapon and a lifeline. As we

do, we’ll be assured that God is good, even when life is not. When we finally face our pain head-on, we are positioned to be propelled further into our destinies. As mentioned within the book, Brian leaned into this truth: worship is more than singing songs to God; it’s investing in our relationship with Him, even when we don’t feel like it or when circumstances are difficult.

“Worship was the main event,” he said, “because worship connects us to God in a way nothing else can”

I was learning guitar. I couldn’t put it down, and as I played, I found music came naturally for me. What’s more, I remembered how powerful worship was in my life. I began to feel that familiar pull to God again, so I played more and more worship music. I started writing a little, and as I did, my obsession with sports disappeared. I had my sights set on something new.

But when healing or freedom is progressive and takes place over time, it’s often because that person is being trained for war, and when you’re trained for war, you gain authority and power in that area. In those early years of panic, I was learning firsthand how praise and worship carry breakthrough and bring freedom. This understanding would be my cornerstone as I continued to write music.

“Anyone can be thankful when things are going well, but to give a gift of thanksgiving and praise in the middle of crisis is a true test,”

Often in the midst of great loss, people will reduce their theology to match their experience. My dad wouldn’t allow the pain to draw him to wrong conclusions about the nature of God. Instead, he’d become even firmer in his belief, and he decided to choose faith. He asked all of us to make that decision, too. There was no other option; we had to believe even more in the goodness of God. We had suffered a loss, but now we were going to double our efforts as a church to go after the healing of cancer. My dad ended his message with these words: “In heaven there won’t be any pain, confusion or loss. So I embrace my moment of pain now and give Him praise in the midst of it. That’s offering I’ll never have a chance to give Him in heaven.”

But when the pressure seems to lessen, you can trick yourself into thinking that your internal world is doing

well. I couldn’t have put words to it back then, but the truth was, I’d spent too many years burying my feelings in an attempt to manage the pressure and stress.

I didn’t know that feelings buried alive never die. I assumed that if I wasn’t feeling any frustration or hurt in the moment, then I must be fine. I didn’t realize that there were unresolved areas that I wasn’t aware of. New opportunities would come, and as things continued to grow, those areas would be compounded by new challenges that we would be ...

Pressure catches up with you, and if you don’t deal with it, eventually you’ll pop.

She heard Him give her the verse Lamentations 3:28: “When life gets heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The worst is never the worst.” She held onto that as a lifeline; it was going to be okay. But she was running on empty and needed a break. More than anything, we needed a break together. We needed to reconnect.

The power of a praying community should never be underestimated.

The attack had been an eye-opener, and I saw it—the medicine wasn’t healing me; it couldn’t heal me. Things weren’t getting better, and I didn’t see an end in sight. Hopelessness fell on me like a blanket. I understood how someone might see no other option but to turn to drugs or alcohol or anything to numb their pain. I saw how living in such chaos and torment might lead someone to believe they were out of options, how it might lead someone to take his own life. In that quiet moment, under all that weight, I was more convinced than ever that God was my only option, and I was going to get through this. I knew that God would pull me through this season. I didn’t know how, but something had to change.

It was always significant and powerful and led to a place where I understood just how much forgiveness was needed.

The bitterness and unforgiveness were nothing more than sin, and I needed to repent for it. If I was going to make it to the other side of this breakdown, I couldn’t hold onto any form of unforgiveness. I confessed it all and resolved to live a different way; and in that commitment, I felt a real sense of hope. It felt like my soul was

clean. God had used this experience to prepare my heart to encounter H...

God had come to me in my darkest hour of need, and a new peace was taking hold. I wasn’t sure how I’d maintain this peace, but I was overcome with the sense that I needed to give myself to the Word of God.

As we pulled into the house, I knew that the Lord wanted my devotional life to change in a major way. There was a deep knowing that this would be crucial to my healing. I resolved to fully give this next season to God and myself to the Word. Even as I made the commitment, I knew it would be the key to not just getting well but staying well. I was going to surrender my life in a way that I hadn’t up to this point, and it would make all the difference.

As I walked into the house with Jenn, I knew something had changed. The anxiety was still there, but it was not nearly as strong. And though I felt like the panic could come back, the sense of hopelessness had disappeared. I had new clarity. I’d found the light at the end of the tunnel. There was a knowing i...

I took a deep breath, deeper than I had in months. I looked at Jenn and started cry...

We both knew it—we were going to win. Everything changed on that drive back from Napa. I’d always known the value of spending time with God and that time in His Word was important, but God had made it clear: His Word would restore me and renew my mind. It wasn’t just a good idea or principle anymore. It was the missing link, the thing I needed for healing, and the only option that would bring stability to my life. In my desperation, I came to the point where nothing worked—not medication, not less work, not hunting trips, and not time with Jenn. I had no option other than to fully surrender to God, and He’d met me when I was at my darkes...

But I knew God was doing something, and I wasn’t going to fight against it anymore. I wasn’t going to try to numb my panic. I was going to let go, surrender, and trust where God was leading me. I had new hope, and that night I made a plan. I set my alarm for 5:15 a.m. the next morning. I slept hard that night and when the alarm woke me, I was ready to go. I got up and made my way to my leather chair. I had recently been given the Passion translation of the Bible, and I decided to use this version. I wanted to start with a new copy that had unmarked pages to bring a fresh

perspective. As I turned the pages, I wondered which chapters and verses I should read first that morning. Even as I started, I sensed God reminding me that my devotional life was going to look different than it had before, and I didn’t need to worry about getting through a certain number of verses or chapters. There was no goal but spending time with Him, no agenda other than connection. I was going to slow everything way down. I wasn’t in a race, and I needed to let each word get into my spirit. I turned to the book of John and started taking in each word really slowly. As I was reading, the words leapt off the page, and I knew there was a grace for this season. I felt a closeness to God. He was near, and this was the direction I was supposed to take. I was completely content to fall into this season of peaceful connection and pursuit. It was unexplainable, but I knew I was on the right track. I wasn’t trying to get anything, and it wasn’t about accomplishing something. In those moments, I had no desire to try to accomplish anything. It felt like it was just God and me, and I was experiencing what it would be like in heaven. I’m such a goal-driven person that my devotional time had become more about quantity time rather than quality time. But now there was a carefree way that I could approach time with God. I meditated on the words, and I stayed in that chair until the kids came into the kitchen just a couple of

And though I couldn’t say the threat of anxiety wasn’t present, the panic hadn’t won. I could quote the scripture about renewing your mind through the Word, but in these moments I was really experiencing it.

Finally the panic didn’t have the edge, and it was such a personal victory for me. The alarm woke me at 5:15 a.m. the next morning, and I got out of bed excited to see where God would take me. I felt His nearness. I opened my Bible, and again the words leapt off the page. God was giving me exactly what I needed for the day as I meditated on the verses and let them get into me. I knew God was telling me that this was exactly what this season was all about. I was in the will of God, and I felt a peace that was so powerful even with the presence of the panic. Peace in the panic is hard to imagine, but it was there, and the ability to surrender to the will of God is so simple when you’re experiencing that peace.

I was learning what surender truly meant on a new level. As the day continued on, I thought about the coming year and could feel the Lord reminding me to stay present in the moment. He was asking me not to think about the next year, the next month, or even the next day. He’d given me enough grace only for today. I sat in that truth, and I could feel the peace that came to me when I focused on fully living in the moment I was in. Morning after morning, I had the same experience. I’d sit in my leather chair and pick up where I had left off the previous day and start reading. It was a surreal experience. God was giving me the words I needed for the day that would unfold. And with those words came an unexplainable grace and peace. The Word was alive. God was preparing me to be fully successful each day through my devotional time. It didn’t mat...

But as I experienced this new kind of daily living, I could see how weeks, months and years of victorious living started first through daily receiving. God was reminding me of the truth in the Lord’s Prayer—give us this day our daily bread. I realized that so often I want weekly, monthly or yearly bread. But living only

for the future had robbed me of the grace to live each day well.

For the first time in months I knew I was winning and beating the anxiety. I had a clarity of mind I hadn’t felt in months.

What God had spoken to me—slow down because I’ve only given you the grace you need for today—had been confirmed by science. God knew exactly what my body needed, and He’d given me information to confirm it.

I recognized that anxiety for what it was, though, my body’s defense mechanism, and I knew it was trying to send me a message. Slow down. Don’t run. Listen.

It was a significant moment, a moment for God to do what only He can do. Even as the panic rolled over me in waves and threatened to sink me, I stayed on the floor. I kept telling myself the panic would end, my body couldn’t keep producing these panic-inducing chemicals forever. I reminded myself that God would see me through this, and that’s what He did. When I thought I couldn’t take any more, I felt Him reaching in, steadying me, bringing His peace. After only a few minutes, the panic passed, and I was at peace. It was a victory I needed, one that came only when I settled into the moment

with God. I was on the road t...

I shared how scary and powerful it is to be in a place where God becomes your only option. I asked for their prayers as I continued to heal. I knew bringing in community was crucial at this point. Jenn and I both wanted the strength of their prayers to give us strength through this season. That moment of vulnerability was a milestone for our entire team. We were able to reconnect with why we were doing what we were doing: the Presence of God. We’d been doing good things and growing as a team; there had been so much momentum. But it’s easy to get a bit lost in the busyness when you see such good things coming from your ministry. We were going to recalibrate to make the main thing the main thing.

Even though I was off the medication, I needed to keep pushing into the Word. Every day was a new experience of grace. Every day brought an increase in peace, clarity and hope. I understood the truth in Philippians 4:12: “Christ’s explosive power infuses me to conquer every difficulty.”

So many of us use crutches to avoid our pain: drugs or alcohol or food or porn. We might use money or status. Sometimes we even use good things in the wrong way, like sports, relationships, careers or hobbies. We continue to numb ourselves, ignoring all that pain, but if that pain goes untreated, it becomes infected. It’s that kind of infection that poisons us from the inside out. And no one is exempt from this kind of poisoning. There are times when all of us need a crutch. There are times when medication can give you a foothold or at least a temporary relief from the panic. But crutches are designed for seasons. Eventually, you have to throw those crutches out and learn to walk without them. I was learning to feel the pain and work through it with God, to deal with the real root of the matter. God wanted to bring complete healing and wholeness to my life. He wanted to fully restore me. For me, the path to wholeness started with pulling out the roots of bitterness and unforgiveness on the ride from Napa. That drive gave me the moment of clarity I desperately needed so that I could see that a change to my devotional life was the crucial next step. But I knew that conversation with Jenn and confession to God weren’t the only steps I needed to take.

As God healed my mind through the Word, it became clear to me that there were tough conversations that I now needed to have and was ready to have. Jenn and I scheduled meetings with those we felt there were still unresolved issues with. Before each one, I would get nervous, but the panic never came. I cried my way through most of those meetings but was able to be vulnerable. There was mutual understanding, and we were able to restore key relationships. We committed to a new way of doing relationships going forward. I wouldn’t withdraw when I felt misunderstood. I’d deal with things in the moment and talk about how I felt. They committed to the same thing. I wanted to have whole and healthy relationships. I needed that for my own peace of mind. As we mended those relational breaks, we began to experience this truth: forgiveness is rarely a silent thing. In order to experience the full power of forgiveness, the pains of the past have to be talked about and dealt with. Reconciliation has to be pursued, explored and chased after. Hindsight is perfect, and in hindsight, I can see that none of us had bad motives. None of us were out to hurt each other. We were all doing the best we could. We loved each other. Still do. It was just that sometimes our pain and issues got in the way. If I’d been more honest with myself, if I’d been more vulnerable with my pain, years of misunderstanding might have been avoided.

But maybe avoiding the pain isn’t the point. God works through breakdowns—I know that firsthand. He used mine to bring me to the end of myself. I was falling more in love with God and people every day. I was experi...

How does God work through pain? How does He use it? I didn’t understand it back then, and to be honest, I’m still not sure I understand now. But I’ve come to see that none of my own efforts to ease the pain, pressure and tension worked. It was my full surrender to the process with Him that brought peace. Pain is never God’s endgame. He allowed it to bring me to the end of myself. Brian Simmons says, “The heart that remains innocent will progressively see more and more of God.” That’s exactly what God had done—He’d restored my heart so I could see more of Him.

Everything felt limitless, and I could feel God with me. I hadn’t missed a morning spending time with God. He daily gave me what I needed through His Word, and there I received the grace I needed for each day. I hadn’t let things build up in the months of my recovery, either. As the stresses, pains and pressures of life came, I took time to recognize it and first bring it to God. Sometimes I just needed to work it out with God. But then there were the times that I’d need to talk through the issues with friends, staff members or even Jenn, and We’d work it out. I’d learned it was important to deal

with issues quickly before they had a chance to grow and become a place of disconnection. In the same way, if someone confronted me with an issue, I’d listen, and if I had caused it, I’d do my best to clean it up and own my part. Through the practices of daily time in God’s Word, walking in forgiveness, and confessing my own failings and faults, I’d found peace. I hadn’t written anything in months, but as my mind and spirit continued to heal, the songs started to come again. There was a new grace for writing and melodies started to come out of nowhere. It was work, but it never felt hard. There was so much life in these songs that carried hope and promise, songs that matched the season I was in. I found myself feeling more alive as I began collaborating with my friends. I was writing from the reality of what God had pulled me through. I knew I was made to write worship songs for the church. I wanted others to get to experience the grace and breakthrough I had found.

I knew the power of my testimony. God had healed me.

This is when God becomes real.

We were designed to feel the pain and then bring it to the Father. That’s what Jesus did. He felt the pain and laid it at the Father’s feet.”

“We weren’t made to hold on to and carry that pressure. We’re made to take it to God and surrender those things to Him.”

That darkness gave way to light. It was in that darkness God proved Himself faithful. It was in that darkness when God became real.