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It was on the tip of my tongue to remind Zak that no one loved him more than I did, but I kept silent. They were words I wouldn’t have hesitated to speak eighteen months ago. But a lot had changed since then. Sometimes I wondered if maybe too much had changed. Maybe I’d changed things too much.
He wasn’t the old, familiar Killian anymore because I’d made him change. I’d made him choose between the only thing he’d ever wanted to be and me. He’d chosen me. And I hated myself for it. But I was too much of a coward to risk losing him… in any kind of way. So I’d condemned us to this non-life where I’d gotten what I wanted, but not really.
My stomach ached as I considered how low and desperate I’d become. “Right,” I managed to respond to Killian, though all I really wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and tell him how fucking sorry I was. I wanted to tell him he deserved better than me… than the man I’d become in my desperation not to lose him.
I’d ruined that for us. I’d ruined a lot of things.
I also didn’t have it in me to tell him the things I really needed to say. That I loved him. And missed him. And that I was sorry that I’d fucked so many things up for him. For me. For us.
I’d forced him to give up so much for me that it wasn’t fair to ask him for anything else, right?
“I’m never walking away, baby,” Killian whispered in my ear before he kissed the soft spot behind it. “You want me to go, you need to tell me so.”
“He says he made you give up your dream.” Killian shook his head. “He was my dream. Still is. This life,” – Killian looked around the kitchen– “this is my dream. But I fucked that up too.”
Noah bound the four of us together in a way that no longer seemed even a little bit wrong. “Stay.”
None of what was happening made sense, but for the moment, we were all exactly where we needed to be.
As I locked the door behind me and followed my men – yes, because that’s what they were tonight… my men – all I could think was fuck complicated. Complicated was just going to have to take the night off.
