More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
There is nothing wrong with you for dying. But you’d never know it from the way we talk about death. We actually call it a failure: Her health is failing. He failed treatment. If you believe what you read, the entire enterprise of aging is optional.
Next to birth, death is one of our most profound experiences—shouldn’t we talk about it, prepare for it, use what it can teach us about how to live?
But we do believe this book will help dying be less painful and more meaningful.
ONLY A SMALL FRACTION OF us, 10 to 20 percent, will die without warning. The rest of us will have time to get to know what’s going to end our lives. As discomfiting as that can be, it does afford us time to live with this knowledge, get used to it, and respond.
Your goals of care will follow from your answers to questions such as: What’s most important to you now? What can you live without? How much treatment do you want and what kind? Where do you want to be when you die? How do you hope to be remembered?
We are not suggesting that your goals are fixed—they will change over time, as your life does. But if you can articulate them, they will become a compass.
There are many reasons for this, but one way or another they all spring from the fact that the health care system was designed with diseases, not people, at its core. That
That’s another reason why the care part of health care must always return to you, the human at the center: You need to stake that claim and protect it.
Our ultimate purpose here isn’t so much to help you die as it is to free up as much life as possible until you do.
patient means one who bears, and you should reclaim the word—and with it your role as a participant in the care you receive.
Together with close friends, family, and the staff of the burn unit, I would begin to learn what it felt like to be cared for. The terror and grace of depending on others for life.
Now, knowing that creation held room for both ends, it mattered less whether I lived or died. For a moment death was in its place: obvious, common, benign. So began my formal relationship with death.
Watching him run and leap never failed to yank me past bitterness: it might as well have been me running around the field. I watched him always be present, never burning time wondering why his life wasn’t different than it was. I aspired to be more like him. Plus, he needed me, and I loved him with every cell I had left, which was plenty.
Tantrums came and went less and less often. I shrunk my needs and got much more specific about couldn’ts versus wouldn’ts.
needed people to see that I wasn’t afraid, so that I wouldn’t be. I learned not to constantly compare my new body to my old body or to other people’s. Instead, I could engage in the creative process of making my way through the day.
Little by little, he was stripped of everything that had made him feel confident, independent, free.
One of the hardest things about taking care of a dying parent is the role reversal: you still feel like that person’s child. It’s awkward to ask your father to consider wearing diapers, and by the time such questions come up, it’s often too late. My
My father had always been an intellectual, and while we knew he loved us more than anything, he could be emotionally distant. Now, with his mind gone, words were of no use to us. But there was a universe of feeling in just holding hands.
Clean out your attic; secrets and lies will catch up with you; say the things that matter most
“I have seen the profound difference it makes in the grieving process when someone dies and their house is in order, and when someone dies and their house is a mess.”
And if you set out early enough with the intention to prepare and mend, to clean up the mess, and to earmark the things that you truly value to pass down, it will clear your head, giving you more room to be.
That’s why cleaning up is one of the best gifts you can give loved ones. It
It’s important to ask yourself why you’re keeping all of this stuff.
Setting aside time to go through your belongings, reflecting on what each item means to you and letting go of what you no longer need, can be cathartic. And there’s no rush. Occasional purges can be something you do periodically throughout your life.
Tell them the backstory of items that are important to you—knowing the why behind a piece of jewelry could be the deciding factor in taking something home, wearing it, and retelling the story going forward.
EVEN IF YOU MEET RESISTANCE from your loved ones, keep pushing for more conversation before you die.
These are the conversations that determine how you’re remembered on an emotional level.
By calling these companies now and adding your partner to the account as a joint owner, you can make sure he or she will be feeling relief instead of exasperation.
If you don’t want your family to find evidence of a secret, get rid of it now, lest you prolong their agony or open new wounds after you’re gone.
The happiness they feel together could have included Bill if he had introduced his sons while he was still alive.
If you’re keeping a box of love letters or incriminating photos somewhere, assume they’ll be found after you’re gone. (And you won’t be there to explain.)
Here are the things he’s found most people long to hear that can help mend even long-fractured relationships: “Please forgive me.” “I forgive you.” “Thank you.” “I love you.”
“It’s so useful for a parent to say to their child, ‘I’m proud to be your mother, I’m proud to be your father,’ ”
But more than guidance for what to say, this is advice on what to do: really love those you love, seek forgiveness in earnest, and, if you can, take time to release those around you to live on. The rest will follow.
Though your pain may die with you, the pain you’ve caused in others won’t.
Though last-minute reconciliations aren’t always within your power—sometimes the damage can’t be undone with a sickbed apology—it’s always within your power to try.
Lighten your load so you can be more present for the rest of your life.
We define legacy as leaving a mark—a trace of who we were in the world.
When they’re asked, it turns out that people care more about inheriting stories and values than stuff.
If you have the inclination and resources to leave money to organizations, you’ll hear the word bequest. That is, a thing of value given through a will or trust, to be doled out after you’ve died.
One way to get around those voices is to imagine that you have been left with a story written by a great-great-grandmother. How revelatory would it be to see the world through her eyes? Once
It will always be too soon to tell your story and let people know how much they mean to you, until it’s too late.
The question you’re answering: What do I want to make sure they know?
An ethical will is a complement to your will, not a replacement. “I like to say it’s your values alongside your valuables,”
Begin by asking yourself about your values and beliefs. What did I do to act on my values? What did I learn from grandparents / parents / spouse(s) / children? What am I grateful for? What are my hopes for the future? What life event have I learned a lesson from? To me, the love of my family means _______. The values I
Your personal legacy may hinge on nothing more than your interactions and words.
All of these forms are meant to document important conversations. They are not substitutions for the discussions you should have with your doctor and loved ones, who, when armed with a thorough sense of your personality and beliefs, will be able to speak for you in ways no boilerplate form ever could.
Advance Directive THIS IS A LEGAL DOCUMENT that notes your health care wishes should you become terminally ill and unable to make health care decisions for yourself.
Here are the major rights your health care agent will have and decisions that person will be able to make for you if you have lost the capacity to make decisions for yourself: • Access to your medical records • The right to consent to or refuse consent to any care, treatment, service, or procedure that would affect a physical or mental condition • The right to select or discharge health care providers and institutions
The right to approve or disapprove diagnostic tests, surgical procedures, and medication programs • The right to approve, withhold, or withdraw artificial nutrition and hydration and all other forms of health care, including cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) • The right to sign up for organ donation, authorize an autopsy, and direct disposition of remains
