Unfuck Your Brain: Using Science to Get Over Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Freak-outs, and Triggers

by Faith G. Harper

Grief can be delayed, meaning that we push it aside and continue to function until the point when it comes back and knocks us sideways. We use busyness as a protective mechanism…until things explode.

Everyone’s grief is unique. You may have a good idea of what I feel but I promise you do not have the same exact experience as me. Allow

If something stupid slips out, own it. Say “I didn’t mean to say something so stupid. I feel awkward and unhelpful and I was trying to come up with something that would make you feel better when there isn’t any magical thing to say. I’m so sorry.”

You must feel as if this pain will never end. I’m so sorry that all this happened to you. This must seem like more than you can handle. Don’t feel that you need to be strong when you are hurting and need help. It’s OK to cry. Or be mad. Or feel numb. Anything you are feeling is OK. Some things just don’t make sense. I don’t have anything to say to make things better for you right now, but I will be here with you. I am happy to help in any way I can, but I don’t need to do something for you to make myself feel better. I will offer help,

Listen differently. Give people space to tell their story if they want. Don’t interpret or add your own filter. Show openness and receptivity to what they are saying to show you can be with them as they process. Reflect what they are saying and how they are feeling. Ask open-ended questions that encourage them

Give credit for small or large efforts, endurance or strength in facing challenges without being patronizing. If someone is spiraling toward depression, encouragement for the behaviors that are showing movement to healing

are important, rather than just rescuing them when they seem overwhelmed.

We have certain cultural ceremonies for grief. Funerals being the obvious example. But funerals are often more and more soulless. A box to be checked off, rather than an opportunity to grieve. And so many grief-filled events do not get a closure ceremony. Not because we don’t need it, but because there is no language for that need.

What are you grieving that you don’t even have words for? What symbolizes your experience? How can you use these symbols to create

Shit gets better. For serious it does. Not perfect, not pre-trauma innocence. But better. And sometimes richer and deeper for the experience of taking back your power on your own terms.

Your trauma will be more like that pain in the ass neighbor with too much time on their hands. You know the one. Who reminds you that the trash pick-up is changed because they are on a holiday schedule. Or tells you that your dog cries a lot when you are at work. Or that the new guy on the floor below totally looks like the drawing of that man that was on the news for robbing a convenience store. You know, it just might be him. They are a well-meaning pain

And you make friends with this person the way you do with your trauma.

If you don’t need to act on it, you tell them thank you for sharing information that is thoughtfully intended to help keep you safe. You listen, you smile, and you think “Fuck you, Amygdala” and go back to living your life.