The Monster of Elendhaven

by Jennifer Giesbrecht

Things with names didn’t turn up cracked and ground against the rocky shoreline. Things with names survived. He would be a Thing with a name.

Power was sweeter than apples. It was cheaper than water, and sustained the soul twice as well. If Johann was going to be a Thing with a name, then from now on he would be a Thing with power, too.

Johann learned what sort of creature he was by accident. One day he slipped on a patch of ice. His ankle turned in the wrong direction and plunged him off a roof like a crow with a clipped wing. The ground swallowed him up, and the crunch of his neck against rock reverberated through every joint in his spine. It shuddered through his limbs and popped out the tips of his fingers and toes, a tiny earthquake that made ruin of his bones. He lay absolutely still for ten minutes, and then he stood up and wrenched his skull back into place. “Well,” he said aloud. “That was fucked up.”

#justmonsterthings

Monster was the best, his favourite word. The first half was a kiss, the second a hiss.

He asked, “Is this a robbery, or a murder? If it’s the former, could we perhaps make it swift? I’ve work to do.”

imagine having the audacity, couldn’t be me

“Oh. Oh no.” The air whistled through Florian’s teeth as his tone danced along the edge of shrill. “I assure you, I am terrified. You’re quite a fearsome man. But I am afraid of most everything, so I’ve found it useful to evaluate risks with a clear head in the moment and do all my screaming after the fact.”

bottle it up and throw it into the sun!

“I don’t know what you were expecting,” Johann said. “We’ve been over this already.” Florian looked up at him, eager eyes alight with hunger. “Johann, let me find you a longer fall.”

He felt Florian bristle beneath his chin. “I’m a student of economics,” he explained, tone defensive. “Tracking patterns and behaviour through comparative equations. I am taking the mathematical shape of you.” “Yeah, well, if that’s all you wanted, you just had to ask, honeydew. You don’t need to add three plus six to get me out of my clothes.”

“You’re awful,” Florian hissed out between chuckles. “You’re a vile creature.” “Herr Leickenbloom, please.” Johann smiled easily. “Don’t underestimate me. I’m more than vile; I’m an honest-to-god monster.”

If Johann was, as he liked to think of himself, the monster of Elendhaven’s night, Florian was the monster of its mornings and afternoons.

“Yes, ye— Well, no, I didn’t cause the failure, if we’re going to be pedantic—” “Of course, you just fucking hate being pedantic.”

Johann had to clutch a hand to his throat to keep the flash of affection that rocked through him caged in his esophagus where it belonged. Oh, Florian was a pretty little thing. Too pretty, too aware of the length of his eyelashes and the feminine tilt of his jawline. No one would expect that boyish half smile, that nervous wringing of the wrist, to conceal a monster. Monster, Monster, Monster, Johann said to himself, the first half a kiss, the second a hiss.

call me a romantic

“If you really want to know what it is I need you for, it’s this.” He produced a list from one of his pockets, waved it in Johann’s face. “I’ve been in dire need of a servant to fetch my groceries for years.”

where do i get one of those? i’m so sick of grocery shopping

“Don’t pretend that your melodramatic ego isn’t flattered by the idea that I might exist to soothe your broken psyche.”

“Oh yes, my delicate snow-flower Florian fucked you up real good. I’m sure you heard all sorts of terrible things about what dwells in Norden, but you never thought you’d fall under the unforgiving eye of its avenging angel. I suppose it’s only fair that I put you out of your misery.”

Is this it? Johann wondered. The longer fall I was looking for? To know that I was summoned up from the dark ether to do a monster’s deeds for Hallandrette’s truest son? And when our work is done, I will carry him to the bottom of the sea, where we both belong. Deep beneath the silt our bones will turn to salt.

“The Mage Hunter, right? You want me to—” Johann did his favourite knifey gesture. Florian pressed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’d prefer—in general—that you treat that as a last resort, rather than a first.”

idk man, i think he’s onto something.........

“Undo him.” Florian’s laugh was curdled. “You might as well ask me to sink Elendhaven into the sea.”