We Have Always Been Here: A Queer Muslim Memoir

by Samra Habib

I was so concerned with showing my mother that I’d survived the trauma unaffected that I actually believed I had.

Through practice and experience, I developed an eye for identifying the kind of people who wouldn’t pick on me: smart and nerdy types who were more interested in learning about Meso-American civilizations than picking on a Pakistani girl who wore the hijab. People who devote themselves to learning have always been my people, my pockets of safety.

Nasir wanted to make sure that nothing was polluting my mind, encouraging me to be a kaafir, a disbeliever.

I highlighted this because it seems to be a cognate for the Hebrew word with the same meaning and used in exactly the same way - kofer.

Now, not only were my romantic encounters catalysts to self-awareness, but they were also informing my experience of how race and desire intersect.

Our understanding of the interior lives of those who are not like us is contingent on their ability to articulate themselves in the language we know.

Recently, Bilal asked me, “Why do you need to call yourself Muslim?” Maybe it’s our age difference, but we’ve never really discussed his relationship with Islam at any great length. I thought about his question. Why do I feel loyalty toward Islam when, as Bilal sees it, Islam isn’t always kind toward Muslims like me? The reality is that this identity has shaped the way I see the world, and the way others see me, in a way that is beyond my control. Being Muslim is one of the only absolutes about myself I can be sure of. It serves as an anchor when I’m lost at sea. It helps me come back to myself, and it leads me to others who’ve struggled to reconcile seemingly disparate parts of themselves. For me, it’s not something I can put on and take off, like a garment. There’s no denying that my identity as a queer Muslim is the lens through which I see and engage with so many aspects of my daily life: fashion, music, literature, social media, politics, history, activism, sexuality, gender, faith, art. Basically, everything.

Seeking answers is one of the biggest gifts you’ve been given. But also know that there is so much fun in not knowing and being delighted by what you learn. The joy of discovery is one of the biggest pleasures you’ll ever know. It will warm your heart and make you so thrilled to be alive.