For years afterwards, my mother would remind me of how I signed the nikah papers that night without any hesitation. The fact that I didn’t resist was an indication that I was okay with the arrangement, and this belief absolved her of guilt and shifted some of the accountability onto me. That particular detail and her memory of it would haunt me as I tried to undo the damage it caused. I started to internalize my mother’s belief that my lack of resistance was my way of consenting and that I was responsible for what had happened. I carried the guilt within me, holding myself accountable for not
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