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Every cry carries with it the idea that I’m a bad mother. That I don’t know what I’m doing.
I’ve done everything I can to push this man away since I’ve come home. I have a full plate and I’m barely holding on. A date? He is insane.
He was fine with me pushing him away until he thought I was pregnant with his baby. He doesn’t love me. At least that’s what I’ve told myself for months, reminding myself of that phone call when he threw away what we had for no good reason. It took less than five minutes and then everything was different between us. It’s just a knight in shining armor complex that made him help me. With the hormones and stress from the pregnancy, I don’t need more problems added into the mix. Not to mention the heartbreak of navigating motherhood without my own mother here to teach me.
New love is dangerous and I’m so very aware I’m falling for him. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve already fallen and there’s no going back.
I am a strong woman, and I’m raising a strong woman as well. I am worthy and I am doing better with every day. Now I’ve added: I might be in love with two men, and that’s okay. One I’ve been in love with all my life, and I can’t see a world without him. The other is so new, so delicate and wanted, that it scares me to even think how much he affects me.
Life has a funny way of shaping a person and giving them what they never knew they needed.
My father would have never allowed such a thing. Truth be told, I was scared to even take a sip from my red Solo cup. If he found out, he’d be livid.
“Do you have a plan?” Renee questions, bringing back an air of seriousness although I know she’s only asking because she’s my friend. “I don’t have a plan, which is why it feels so …” “Chaotic?” “Yeah.” I’m quick to agree with Sharon. It really does feel like chaos, and I’m not sure how it’s going to end without me being wrecked beyond repair. “Love is chaotic.”
Chaos isn’t a good thing. Chaos is booming thunderstorms and damaging winds. It’s messy to the point of brokenness. Yes, that’s what love is at first. And it’s terrifying.
Love is complicated and a tangled freaking mess.
I hope he can feel what I feel. It’s torture, is what it is. That’s what this kind of love is, it’s torture.
That’s the crux of our love. Life was brutal and we barely weathered it. Just kids moving through life with no guide, only leaning on each other in ways maybe we shouldn’t have. At least we can say we did it with love. It left a tangled mess, but my heart knows it’s true.
There’s nothing worse than a grown man crying … other than one who’s also drunk before 2:00 p.m.
But that’s the thing about storms. You can’t stop them from coming. You just have to ride it out.
I wanted this, and I chose this, and it’s still painful. Growing up always hurts, doesn’t it?
“I’m going to be here every second,” he whispered, emotion thickening his voice. “I’m not going to miss a thing.” Hearing him say it healed the last regret in my heart.

