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“It never looked as terrible as it was and it made her wonder if hell was a pretty place too. Fire and brimstone all right, but hidden in lacy gloves.” —Beloved, Toni Morrison
SADE HUSSEIN WAS USED TO being lied to.
When she was ten and she found her mother slumped back in the bathtub, unmoving, with a bottle of pills resting on the ledge—she was told that her mother was taking a very long nap and would wake soon.
Sade had read up on the school’s houses. All eight of them: Curie, Einstein, Hawking, Mendel, Franklin, Turing, Jemison, and Seacole. Each house seemed to serve a specific purpose and, in turn, had students who fit that purpose. There was the house for academics, the house for sports prodigies, and so on. She wondered what house she’d be sorted into.
Sade shook her head, despite feeling like she was in some kind of weird dystopian novel whereby the form was actually a test meant to determine her entire future or something. She placed her shoulder bag on the ground.
Sade had read up on Turing House briefly. It had been described as the house for the jack-of-all-traders, students with no particular special interest in any one subject; sister house to Seacole; and unlike most of the other houses, Turing had produced the least famous alumni.
“Turing, like the scientist?” Sade asked, wanting to sound interested. She remembered the tragic story of Alan Turing, the queer scientist, from one of her history lessons on World War II.
Are you a swimmer?” Elizabeth asked. Sade felt the memory stir again, clawing at the edges of her mind. The girl’s body. Lifeless. Cold. Her lips blue, her braids sprawled in the water. A pool of thick red blood surrounding her head like a halo— “I used to be,” Sade replied.
The house looked like a haunted castle. Unlike the main building, the stone here was nearly black.
“People call them a lot of things: she-devils, the wicked bitches of the west, and my favorite, the Unholy Trinity. Dramatic names, but pretty accurate if you know even a little bit about them. I heard that they get together on the weekends and perform demonic rituals in order to keep their skin blemish-free.”
Whenever she’d have a particularly bad panic attack, her mum would always take her face in her hands and kiss her forehead, whispering, “Hey, now, adie kekere … the sky has not yet fallen.
her, adie kekere—chicken little—
Not all her feelings reflected reality and not everyone needed saving. As they walked out of Turing, Sade felt the panic from earlier rise and fall, floating gently on the surface, daring her to sink. The same haunting memory surfaced along with it, followed by the familiar hiss of the voice in her head. You should never have come.
edge. From the rooftop, she felt like one of the birds from the painting in the reception area. But instead of iron, her cage was made of glass and filled with wild plants.
reasonable. There was nothing mundane or reasonable about death. And yet people seemed to have a habit of doing that around her. Dying.
She glanced at Elizabeth one last time before she left. A newer mask now clung to Elizabeth’s skin. This one made of glass.
“How does access to other houses work? If I made a friend in another house, could I just visit anytime?” Ms. Thistle nodded. “You are allowed to visit other houses before curfew. Sometimes the door might be closed—in which case someone will need to let you in, but if it’s open and it’s before curfew, then you certainly can!” Sade gave her a smile. “That’s very useful to know. Thank you, Ms. Thistle.”
She kept her mum’s saying in mind, the sky has not yet fallen, as she picked up her bag and headed out.
As her eyes grew heavy, the girl she saw each night resurrected from the shadows. But this time she didn’t come to Sade. This time she stayed in the corner. Her face contorted into a smile as tears bled from her eyes. “I’m sorry,” Sade whispered. But it was too late.
I SLEEP, I DROWN & DISAPPEAR1 Dear Diary, Last night I think I died. But I’m not so sure. I don’t remember a lot of it. It’s like I keep stumbling into a dark room, searching for the switch to make things bright again. To make me remember. But the switch isn’t there. Was it there before?
“You should have stayed with her.” She heard someone yell distantly. But she knew it was coming from inside. She knew it wasn’t real. It was just an echo of the past. “You let her die, you did this.” “No—I didn’t mean to—”
There was really only one rule in situations like this. Don’t make promises that you know won’t be kept. Only a god could make such a promise, and she was as mortal as they came.
Felt the water embrace her, pulling her in like an old friend it had longed to touch.
She squinted into the depths, now noticing a red cloud blending with the blue of the water. The same red spilling across the floor of the pool. The same red staining her palms. And then, she looked up and saw it. The dead body floating in the pool alongside them.
Hard to really explain to anyone who didn’t live inside her head why it was she imagined things she shouldn’t. What had happened? The sky had merely fallen, crushing her under its vast weight.
But the thing was, everyone had secrets. Things too dark, too ugly to share with the people they loved most. She knew this more than anyone. It was possible that Elizabeth had secrets like that too. Things she didn’t want Baz to know.
She waved him off. “Always happy to be kidnapped for a good cause,” she said, trying to lighten the mood and stop the dread from creeping in again.
But maybe the question shouldn’t be what they wanted from her, but instead, what insight might Sade gain from them?
Her life thus far had been a series of carefully laid mousetraps, set by the universe. And the joke was constantly on her.
“Persephone’s just mad because she scares all her potential boyfriends away with her charming personality.” “One, not that it’s any of your business, but I’m a lesbian, so I have very little interest in your species, especially if they look and act anything like you do, and two…” She held up her middle finger as a response. Some students in the class snickered as Francis’s face grew red.
Persephone seemed to be another code that Sade wasn’t sure she could crack. But she felt like Persephone was daring her to try anyway.
“You know … a guy that fucks with the hearts of his conquests.”
She knew how lethal loneliness could be. And she didn’t want Baz to feel that too.
Not many people get it. How losing someone changes you.” It felt misplaced, but Sade tried to stop herself from smiling. The knife in her chest twisting painfully did the trick, instead making her eyes glaze over and her bones ache. She knew grief too well for someone of her age. Death was at first an unwelcome guest and slowly transformed into a bitter companion.
Swimming was an addiction they didn’t make patches for. It was something she needed to do to feel whole.
“Well, you know what they say about curiosity, new girl.” It killed the cat, she thought. Sade furrowed her eyebrows at him. “Are you wishing me dead?”
Her aunt used to say that the rain had the ability to wash away your sins. It was funny, living in England most of her life, she’d have thought all that rain would have already done the job by now.
Ip dip do, the cat’s got the flu, the dog’s got the chicken pox … out goes you. Her eyes landed on the tea. The latte it was.
They then spent another half hour by the reception, continuing their argument about whether SpongeBob was really the villain of his own show—to which Sade argued that he was. After all, despite following the different characters, the show was ultimately through SpongeBob’s eyes—he showed the audience what he wanted them to see.
I SLEEP, I DROWN & DISAPPEAR2 Dear Diary, A few weeks ago I think I died. But no one’s found my body yet. So I’m not sure if I actually did. Or if it’s another lie I’ve told myself.
“They say terrible things are done in darkness, but terrible things are also done in a light too blinding for anyone else to look at directly.”
The space was huge and fancy-looking, despite still being filled with machinery. Concrete mix had been messily spilled and covered some of the floor. She made a mental note to be careful not to slip in it and fall into the gaping, unfilled pool.
I feel like theres going to be a dead body there
Passing. By Nella Larsen.
“You look … beautiful,” he said, staring at her, taking her in slowly. She was aware of this fact. It was something people didn’t like girls to admit to knowing, but she had always been aware that she was beautiful. A lot of people were. Beautiful, that is. And a lot of beautiful people had rotten souls. Her mother had warned her of this.
Persephone was speaking again. “I take it the rumors are true, then. About you and Jude,” she said, her voice steady but her eyes telling a different story.
Persephone’s eyes looked bright and angry and a little sad all at once. “You should stay away from him. He’s a player and he will only hurt you.”
“Well, rumors are just well-disguised truths, more often than not. I’d believe the rumor,” Persephone said in a snippy tone.
Being in water was like being in outer space. Moving about in it felt like defying gravity—her movements slow and soft, instead of quick and hard like she wanted them to be.
When they finally came up for air, his goggles were pushed up and he was laughing, moving closer to her. Then, he kissed her.
Sade stopped when she noticed Persephone’s eyes were filled with tears now. She didn’t want to make her cry. She just wanted answers. Persephone wiped her face and for the first time since Sade walked in, she spoke. “He’s a rapist,” she said, quietly. So quiet that Sade almost didn’t catch it. “What?” she asked, as a reflex, though she had heard her clearly. Sade’s heart stopped. “Jude. He’s a rapist.”
I thought she was going to confess some feelings.
