A Fire Sparkling

by Julianne MacLean

Maybe the universe was just teasing me, letting me float briefly up to the clouds to enjoy the view from there, only to slam me back down to earth and rub my face in the dirt.

“Sometimes you think you know someone, but maybe it’s impossible to really know everything about a person, even someone you love. Maybe good people—the very best people—are just better at keeping secrets.”

Remember, darling, there’s no such thing as fairy tales. It’s never what you dream it will be. So learn how to be prudent.

I’m also fascinated by how something so tragic can result in so much beauty.

No. She would not, for there had been nothing but fear and loneliness here. She regretted not leaving sooner

“I’m just not charmed by charm alone. It’s something altogether different that appeals to me.”

The world seemed almost normal again, but she knew it wasn’t. The war was only just beginning, and nothing would ever be the same again. There was an emptiness in her heart, the likes of which she’d never known before.

“It’s hard for me, I suppose, to imagine that everything will work out. It never has before.”

I know I’m not perfect. I’ve made mistakes, but you’re the reason I won’t make them again.”

Charming. Women should steer clear of men who charm them. If you’re charmed, then you’re under some kind of spell, and women need to stay sharp. Real life isn’t a dream. You have to keep your eyes open. Ears too.”

“We certainly did. We just wanted to survive. That’s all. Your house could be bombed, and you could lose everything you owned in a matter of seconds, but it wouldn’t matter if you still had the people you loved. If they survived, that was all the riches you could ever ask for. So, don’t let the size of that ring sway you. Think about what kind of a man he is. Is he decent and honorable? Would he die for you or help another person before he helped himself?”

Strange. Two days ago, I thought that was what I wanted. Marriage, romance. Children in our future. But today, nothing about our relationship felt real, and I was overcome with doubt.

Gram had asked if he was worthy of my love. How exactly was I supposed to know the answer to that question? Or maybe that was the problem. When it’s right, you’re supposed to just know.

where does one draw the line between duty and honor?

She just keeps things inside. She won’t let herself fall apart. She prefers anger over sadness and weeping. Maybe that’s what makes her so strong.

But was she certain about that? Normal seemed very far off, with all the nightly destruction.

It was one thing to lower a bridge. It was quite another thing to walk across it.

Maybe she just wanted to protect you from the truth. I can understand that. Sometimes it’s not easy to talk about things that are painful. It’s easier to just avoid them. To bury the subject.

His eyes met mine, and we stared at each other intently for a long while, acknowledging the fact that we had been burying something painful ourselves—for many years.

I’d grown numb to survive, mentally.

She looked at me with sympathy, and the whole situation grated like grinding metal over my pride and the ambition I’d once had, because I’d always considered myself smarter than Jodi during high school. I’d gotten better grades, and I often helped her along socially, because she was shy. But there she stood that morning, looking gorgeous, confident, and successful, while I looked like I’d just rolled out of a homeless shelter. It was as if the universe had thrown a glass of water in my face.

It was a terrible sight—the heartbreaking emotional agony of a mother drowning in grief over the loss of her youngest son. I felt it in my core, and I wished there was something I could say or do to help her, but there wasn’t.

It haunted me now—how they spent their final moments. It felt like a hammer coming down on my heart, crushing it with yet another form of guilt that would probably never leave me.

Everything was so uncertain. Everything except the child growing in my womb—a child I loved more than life itself and would protect at all costs. He was all I had now.

“I keep hoping I’ll wake up and discover it was all a bad dream.” “I wish that were so.”

fixating on the mistakes we’d made, because regret was a constant in me now. I suspected it would become a permanent fixture in my life.

Why did things happen the way they did? Was there a reason? If there was, would I ever know it or make peace with it? My whole existence felt like a strange, heady hallucination

I stood there in a state of wonder with my son in my arms, and the profound love I felt for him seemed to eclipse all the darkness in the world. In those precious moments, while I kissed the top of his head and spoke softly to him, my soul felt happy again,

Cooper. You and every other airman in the sky tonight. But my prayers had never been answered before. I wondered if it made any difference. Nevertheless, what else could I do but keep trying, because I wasn’t the type to give up.

I had a child at home, and I was determined to survive, no matter what.

In typical fashion, I had leaped into this undertaking fearlessly and rashly, following my passions and desires and ignoring common sense, pushing away any thoughts of obstacles—like the fact that I would be risking my life,

“The worst fear is in the anticipation of it!”

It was noisy and bumpy, and time seemed to slow to an unnatural pace as I prepared myself mentally.

My heart was in my throat. I wanted desperately to know, yet, at the same time, I was terrified to know the truth.

Where were we now, as a result of that? Not growing old together. The love we once shared was gone, out of reach. Yet . . . even through the heat of my anger, I prayed that he was safe.

Why couldn’t he have just been a happy sort of man? Grateful for a simple life?

I remembered what the dispatcher had said to me on the plane. The worst fear is in the anticipation.

I learned the true meaning of terror—the kind that takes away your ability to sit still without trembling and promises to deliver nightmares for the rest of your life.

All this is going to weigh heavily on my conscience.

I dove deeper and deeper into a terrible pit of anguish. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt, for I’d never known such betrayal, nor had I seen it coming.

That man was dead, and my love for him must be purged from my heart. That fire must finally be extinguished.

Everything will become clear. It always does.”

I’ll be okay. I just need some time to wallow in my heartbreak. Then I’ll regroup and figure something out.”

Even if it was a blind love, it was still love.”

All I could think was: Why couldn’t I see it? Everyone else could.”

“Maybe that’s what we all have to do—make a few mistakes, fall for the wrong person to get some sense knocked into us. Then we’re smarter the next time.

I couldn’t just bury it. I felt that would be a terrible injustice. A denial of fate and every other type of magic that existed in the world. And I wanted to believe in magic. I wanted to believe that in the end, the universe would take care of us, and we would end up exactly where we were meant to be.

“All this, Gillian, has made me realize that life is full of heartbreaks and hardships, and some of them are tragic beyond words. But we all have to find a way to keep going. We need to know that it’ll get easier, and life will be good again.”

“We could all drive ourselves mad thinking about what could have been. But life happens the way it happens, and there’s no point wishing the past was any different. It will always be what it was, and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it.”

Any sorrow I feel from past mistakes vanishes instantly. It’s replaced by a burst of anticipation for what awaits me