To Have and to Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma

by Molly Millwood

Tess cannot shake the feeling that her partner has not yet truly committed to spending his life with her. She tells herself she is crazy to feel this way, since they have two children and a third on the way and own a home together. The years are ticking by, and they are, in effect, spending their lives together. Nonetheless, her feelings are understandable. Sure, not everybody in her position would feel that way; plenty of lifelong committed couples are happily unmarried, with neither the relationship nor either partner’s self-esteem suffering as a result of their choice not to marry. For Tess, though, her partner’s reluctance to marry her even now that he knows how much it would mean to her is extraordinarily painful. She is not confident in his availability. She cannot get an affirmative answer to the million-dollar question: “Are you there for me?” He is not, therefore, a safe haven for her from the fears and uncertainties of life. In her mind, if he were really, truly, no-holds-barred there for her, he would have no hesitation about getting married. In the attachment terms we are about to discuss in depth, their bond is not secure.