To Have and to Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma

by Molly Millwood

tormented by their own ambivalence. They want more time with the baby, but also more time alone.

We will shine a light on the thoughts, feelings, and parts of self you have discovered since becoming a mother, and look upon them with curiosity and acceptance rather than shame.

Least happy of all are parents of young children, and among women, spending time with a child generates about the same degree of joy as vacuuming.

Immediate joy and fun in parenting are scattered stars in the great black sky of strain, boredom, and unrelenting responsibility in parenting. But when the joy comes, it comes insisting. And when we take the long view and ascribe meaning to our life’s activities, little else competes for first place with raising our very own human beings.

No new mother is unfazed by the changes a baby brings, but people who thrive on having a sense of control and agency, who put a high premium on productivity, and who feel calm only when “on top of things” are likely to experience significant challenges when a baby enters the picture.

A widely held misconception is that mental health means fewer negative emotions. If that’s our goal, we aren’t likely to embrace each of our emotions equally as they come up,

we cannot selectively mute some feelings and leave others to frolic about freely within us.

I have become increasingly clear in my conviction that moms should not immerse themselves too deeply in how-to guides.

Might I be able to find some relief if I remove the judgment from what I’m feeling, and just notice the feeling itself?

the suffering comes when we resist, fear, or deny that the full catastrophe exists—when

technically happiness can be actively experienced only right now—not tomorrow,

nexting is the opposite of mindfulness—the ability to notice and accept, without judgment, all of what the current moment involves.

What we don’t always realize when we’re in the midst of these states is that none of them will last.

Until we dismantle the notion that nurturing is just the runner-up, rather than the equally necessary and equally valuable other pillar on which societies rest, equal opportunity within each realm will remain elusive.

her “vegetative” state resulted not from some shameful character flaw but more likely from the very human tendency to flounder or freeze when the pressure is too high.

expectations and shoulds and supposed-tos lead to suffering.

only to miss our babies immediately upon parting ways and to feel guilty for letting our minds wander so much when we were with them.

Parts of our lives are on hold, and also, life is moving so fast we can barely hold on.

I’m checking myself constantly, trying not to be too heavy.

A societal problem gets internalized as an individual problem.

“Even when women work full-time, their sense of self as Mother is more than 50 percent greater than their psychological investment in their identity as Worker.

internal tug-of-war over these two competing facets of identity

We may even sabotage our partners’ efforts to ease our burdens; who among us has not criticized, at least silently

Competence in the child-rearing and domestic spheres is an important and valid source of agency, power, and pride for a great many of us. And yet all these factors reinforce and maintain a status quo that ultimately erodes our well-being.

Much of the lost personal freedom I mourned when my babies were new has been restored, but it’s as if some part of me doesn’t realize or believe it.

Since nobody actually outgrows their dependency needs and the prevailing cultural dictum is that we should, we are in a bit of a bind.

The key insight is that dependence and autonomy are two sides of the same coin11

Proximity to a loved one tranquilizes the nervous system.12 It is the natural antidote to the inevitable anxieties and vulnerabilities of life.”

layered safe havens.

The physical presence or proximity of an attachment figure is important, too, of course, but it is not the foundation of a bond. When an attachment figure is physically present but emotionally absent, this provokes separation distress in the other as reliably, and perhaps even with greater force, as physical absence.

a couple adjusting to the birth of a child is essentially undergoing a test of their capacity to provide a secure base for each other under stressful circumstances, and for perhaps the first time, those stressful circumstances are not external or fleeting.

natural is not the equivalent of easy.

couples are quite often communicating about that million-dollar question: Are you there for me?

liken children to little Buddhas who live with us, offering the possibility of great wisdom if only we can get in touch with what they are teaching us. The

Our children show us what we like least about ourselves. And most of the time, this is happening beneath our awareness.

Am I such an incubator for unfounded mommy guilt that I discount all the evidence that I am there enough for my children?

With practice, we can learn to quiet the voice of unfounded guilt and listen to the wisdom of valid guilt.

in the realm of unfounded guilt, realizing I need to permit myself to be angry sometimes and let go of feeling bad about it.

Nobody can sustain a state of undivided attention to their children every minute of every hour,

Sometimes, in order to believe in ourselves, we need believing mirrors*—people who see us in a more positive light than we can sometimes see ourselves, and who reflect that positive image back to us. In the best-case scenario, our spouses play that role regularly.

“A woman accustomed to taking autonomy for granted may find the experience of newborn motherhood strangely claustrophobic as she struggles to fit two people into a space formerly reserved for one.”

It has occurred to me that the decision to have children is not so unlike the decision to invite perfect strangers to come live with you. Forever.

The same little people who hamper our freedom and spontaneity are also the ones who compel us to savor the present moment.

The complex truths of motherhood will continue to make everyone uncomfortable and ashamed until they’re articulated readily and repeatedly.

As women we are expected to be unwaveringly nurturing and loving; to waver in those regards is to risk being seen as a lesser kind of a woman.

the “And, Not But” shift. When people modify the language they use to describe their experiences, they also modify their perception. When we use the word “and” instead of the word “but,” we make room for all emotions. There is no competition between love and hate, no tension between exhaustion and invigoration, no mutual exclusivity between the grief of lost personal freedom and the joy of a new tiny human we love more than we ever thought possible.

It is when we embrace all of the paradoxes of motherhood that we can come to understand not just what we have lost, but also what we have gained.

As we learn to care for our children, we learn to care better for ourselves.

many scholars argue that remaining open to the ever-unfolding mystery of who our partners are is a key aspect of keeping love alive.

What if we could let go of our illusions about how things would one day be, or could be, or should be? What if, in loosening our hold on these expectations, they also loosen their hold on us?