Rules for Visiting

by Jessica Francis Kane

A life seemed so long, I couldn’t see how anyone proceeded under the accumulated weight of it.

We hurl ourselves around in cars, but we’re not allowed to touch each other crossing the street? It’s an absurd arrangement, and by that I mean there are ironies everywhere the world does not allow you to talk about even half as much as you’d like.

Friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness (Euripides)

Small talk is like improv comedy: rarely funny and always one sentence away from fizzling.

Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.’”

Beowulf is a violent epic about the dangers of being friendless. There’s a party, the misfit is not invited, he sulks outside, then comes in, wreaks havoc, and is killed.

Neighbor SEEMS TO ME a flexible word. You can say “She’s my neighbor” and people will think you mean she’s your friend. But if something goes wrong, you can say, “Oh, I don’t really know her. She’s just my neighbor,” and everyone still knows what you mean.

the blank stare of children long accustomed to being considered less interesting than their caregiver’s screen.

If “Friends are the family we choose,” as the adage goes, I was worried I hadn’t paid enough attention. Some people, like the Goulds and Amber Dwight, collect friends easily. Others get to midlife, look around—sort of the way you might reexamine your living room when you need a new sofa—and say, What do I have here? What is this room I’ve made?

Trying to find a substitute family when yours is missing is as daring an adventure as any man versus monster.

You grow up thinking it’s natural for the ones who love you most to keep their distance. Love stands apart; love lets you come to it. This isn’t wrong, exactly, but I wanted to learn how to stand closer.

How can we live in a time when social media makes us friends with people all over the world, but our sense of neighbor is shrinking? So, how’s your family? I could say we’ve grown more comfortable with peace than joy, patience over hope, and perseverance feels the same as love.

And do we make friends or find them? Emily Dickinson thought the best verb was enact.

Energy, though, is nonnegotiable. You have to want to work on your house. You have to ignore the fact that a house during most of mankind’s time on earth was a necessity, not a display case of prized personal possessions and decorating prowess. The spaces were crowded and multiuse. Beds were shared.

Prior to World War I, the drawing room was often referred to as the “death room” because it was where the bodies of loved ones were laid out. After the world wars, the shelter magazine known as Ladies’ Home Journal suggested it was high time for a “living room” and the term took hold.

my mother liked rainy days because they seemed to reduce expectations; the rest of the world slowed to her pace.

The young believe the world was made for them, that all of history leads to now, this moment on a train with your friend exploring the world.

The Japanese have a word for the calming, restorative power of simply being in a forest or among trees: shinrin-yoku, forest bathing. I was in the presence of only one tree, but it was enough.

Perhaps a best friend is someone who . . . holds the story of your life in mind. Sometimes in music a melodic line is so beautiful the notes feel inevitable; you can anticipate the next note through a long rest. Maybe that is friendship. A best friend holds your story in mind so notes don’t have to be repeated.

The day was hot and the cicadas, the sound of surf for the landlocked, were thrumming.

Rules for Visiting Do not arrive telling stories about the difficulties of your trip. Bring a gift. Make your bed and open the curtains. A guest room is not a cave just because it’s temporary. Help in the kitchen, if you’re wanted. Unless you are very good with children, wait until you hear at least one adult moving around before getting up in the morning. Don’t feed the pets. Don’t sit in your host’s place. If you break something, admit it. Say good night before bed. Always send a thank-you note.