2am Thoughts

by Makenzie Campbell

That’s the problem: I am a tree and you are a leaf, easily swept away by the winds of someone better.

A promise is the currency of love. You can’t afford to break it.

But your tongue is weaponized with lies and now I’m torn between wanting you and getting over you.

That no matter how hard we try, how long I dream of us staying together, we are a broken record that continues to skip, repeating the same song that is no longer beautiful.

The words roll off your tongue so smoothly that I almost don’t feel the pain.

It’s like you, the love of my life, are standing in front of me with your sweet and sympathetic eyes as if nothing is wrong and then you pull the trigger. So unexpected that I sit there, staring at my wound, misunderstanding the events that have just occurred.

But all that could end up being for nothing because in one second your entire world could fall apart. One second. That’s all it took for him to break my heart.

You left me there wondering why, how, what did I do wrong? Gutted my love and let every last drop drain away. Until all that was left of me was a heap of clattering bones.

I was a church. The house of God. You came into my life begging for forgiveness of your sins. You left, setting it on fire.

I took the sweet parts of me and painted them on your rotten heart. I used my light to illuminate your dark parts. And when you didn’t change, when you didn’t bring your guard down, I gave you more. I poured and poured and poured all I had into your body, into your soul, until I had nothing left. My heart empty, my eyes tired, the light gone. I lost myself while loving you.

You took the light parts of me and turned them dark.

I indulge myself in a book because diving headfirst into another fantasy is so much more peaceful than living in this reality.

you were the one I loved so much. Eyes that wander, lips that kiss all the women on your list.

My heart is stained with the salty sadness I won’t let taint my cheeks. As my eyes remain dry, my heart grows heavy. Each unshed tear falling to add to its weight.

If somehow I could manage the clocks and go back to when we met, I wouldn’t change a single thing except that I’d want you back.

Maybe our versions of reality are polar opposites and you never felt anything while I carried the weight of the world inside my heart.

You watered the flowers in my soul. You helped me grow into the person I am today. I understand why you left. You came to teach me how to tend my own garden rather than helplessly wait for someone else to do so. So although I wish you would have stayed, I am thankful that you didn’t. Only in your absence did I learn I can survive on my own just fine.

Even though my first thought may be negative, my actions will no longer be. I am choosing to love me for me.

How does it make you feel to know that although you led my heart into a state of great brokenness and fragility, you also led me to great success?