2am Thoughts

by Makenzie Campbell

To all who have believed, encouraged, and inspired me to write this. Thank you.

I’m so obsessed with falling in love that every time I meet a man, I lose myself in him.

I want a man willing to hike mountains for me, or I don’t want a man at all.

My dream man does not consist of a perfectly structured face and well sculpted muscles. He, whoever he may be, does not have any physical requirements.

When I dream, I think of men who have the patience to wait hours for the wind while floating in the middle of the eternal sea.

An open heart that spills easily into mine, bleeding colors and painting memories.

I think of love. The ability he has to hold such a precious thing. The manner in which he carries such a fragile emotion. The way he is able to unconditionally love me for me.

My heart craves to feel a love that I have not encountered before. The kind that skips beats and summons butterflies.

AND WHEN A BOY FINALLY DOES Oh my, will my love be so deep for him. It might engrave beneath his bones.

It had been forever since I had been in your arms. When you embraced me, even though a gesture as old friends, I fell right into you… and fit perfectly.

You are possibly the most beautiful and intricate human being I have ever met.

He holds the entire world in his heart. I wish I could hold him in my arms.

I want your heart. I want the rhythm of my heart to align with the drumming of yours. I want you and I to not be you and I. I want you and I to be us.

They smelt strong. They smelt of rain and nature. Of pain and faith. Healing and sanction. They smelt like home. His arms were my home.

Through all the darkness surrounding me, you somehow found a way to shed light.

You call it love, I’d say infatuation.

Some songs seem to have people attached to them.

Not because I like the look and not because I love you. I got a tattoo because I like knowing it will never leave me even if you do.

I need the contact, skin to skin, heart to heart, me to you. I need the affection and attention you give me. No one looks at me the way you do. No one ever will.

Maybe we are meant to be together. Maybe you are meant to tell me you love me.

Your eyes are precious gems. I want to mine them forever.

I’m into very messy love. Beautiful, crazy, messy love spurred by our hearts.

Your eyes are the sunrises and sunsets of my days.

You healed my wounds entirely. You defeated my biggest fear. Now every time I look at you I remember that miserable young girl and how she was so completely wrong.

I am forever grateful for your love – the love that silenced my demons and calms the eternal storm taking place inside me.

The love I have for you burns faster than a forest fire.

I am a tree and you are a leaf, easily swept away by the winds of someone better.

Yes, you hear me. But are you really listening?

I lost myself while loving you.

He is all I’ve ever wanted. But he is not at all what I wanted. The idea of him was appealing. Addicting. But he, himself, I didn’t actually care for.

Which I guess makes me heartless. And maybe I am. Because I don’t feel anything anymore. That’s why I wanted him in the first place. To make me feel something again.

You took the light parts of me and turned them dark.

The distance between me still loving you, well, there is no distance at all.

you’re addicted to the feeling of being loved. If only it were real…

I believe we are destined for one person on this earth. But the sad truth is, we do not always end up finding them.

“Do you miss me?” Every single day. I ache for you to hold me again. I can’t fall asleep without a thought of you dragging me down. Our past makes a presence in all of my dreams and I continue to picture you in my future despite your abandonment. “No.”

I’m so naive to think that a past lover still loves me.

That one phone call means I want you and one hangout means I miss you.

I wouldn’t change a single thing except that I’d want you back.

Love is a confusing thing and needs to be held with gentle hands.

When he talks about her I can feel myself both smile and wince at the same time. I am happy he is happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for him. But I’ve always hoped he would find that happiness with me.

Yes, love killed me when I got left behind or forgotten, but I have to remember the times it ignited our hearts with fiery flames and allowed us to burn together.

The history of us has already faded. There are few witnesses left able to recall. Yet it is still vivid in my mind. The touch of you, the taste of you, the colors of your soul.

You are a stranger now, but your eyes will always be familiar.

If you are reading this, I guess I just want you to know that you meant a lot to me. Now? You’ve changed, I’ve changed. You’re a stranger. I’m a memory. I don’t miss you anymore, I miss the idea of you. But sometimes I get those two confused.

They no longer have a place in my life. They do not deserve me.

It’s the little things I miss. The shape of your smile, the glint in your ocean eyes, and the way you pronounced each letter of my name.

Self love is survival. Without that, oxygen won’t do a damn thing.

8:38 AM

I am choosing to love me for me.