Renegades (Expeditionary Force, #7)

by Craig Alanson

“Well, they are remarkably lazy. But you’re right, laziness is not the only reason they declined the offer. They are insufferably arrogant, Joe. The Rindhalu were alone in the galaxy for a long time before the Maxohlx developed technology for spaceflight. The spiders still view the Maxohlx as primitive young punks who were lucky to get their hands on Elder technology they could use as weapons. Without those Elder devices, the Rindhalu would have stomped the Maxohlx back into the Stone Age when the kitties attacked. By now, the Maxohlx have stolen or copied crucial Rindhalu technology, so the spiders do not have a huge advantage. The simple answer is, in their ancient arrogance, the Rindhalu believe they know pretty much everything there is to know about the wormhole network. Whatever they do not know, they think the Maxohlx will not be able to understand, so they see a mission to investigate the wormhole near Earth as a waste of time.”

He looked at me and smiled. Not the practiced, controlled smile of a diplomat, this was the weak and frightened smile of someone who does not entirely believe what they are saying. “We can offer them the hope of a miracle,” he held his hands out palms up. “This crew has performed miracles on a regular basis. As Skippy has told me, monkeys are endlessly clever.” “Oh crap,” I said out loud before I could stop myself. Damn it. No pressure on me! “Sir, I think the first miracle we need is selling that line of bullshit to the governments of Earth.” He laughed. A genuine, hearty laugh. Hans Chotek was loosening up, I guess being with the Pirates had corrupted him. Then he surprised me again by offering a hand for a high five. It was a little awkward, but I slapped his hand. “I came in here thinking you would be much more upset by this development.”

Here’s a tip for you: saving the world is awesome the first time, great the second time, but then it gets expected that you will do incredible things. It’s like the Apollo missions to the moon. The first moon landing was a nerve-wracking spectacle. The next one also had the attention of the world riveted to their TV screens. But by Apollo 13, even though those guys took the same risks with the same astonishingly primitive equipment, people just expected they would land on the moon, collect a bunch of rocks, and fly home. The Apollo 13 crew ironically are famous because their oxygen tank exploded on the way to the moon, and the world watched anxiously as NASA worked miracles to get them home safely.

“Where did you get the money to buy a company- Oh, forget it. I don’t want to know.” “Probably a good idea. So, I bought this business, and I thought, hey there are lots of lip balms on the market, right? Mine need to be different.” “I am afraid to ask, but, different how?” “The flavors, Joe. Everybody has cherry, and mint and other boring flavors like that.” “And you made which flavors? Like, banana?” “No. I should have tried banana. Monkeys do love bananas.” “We do.” “Instead, I made stuff like garlic, onion, and jalapeno-cheddar flavors.” Under the pillow, I had to put a hand over my mouth to stifle my laughter. “You, uh, didn’t foresee any problems with those flavors?” “No! People love those flavors for stuff like nachos, and pizza. Humans love nachos and pizza. Now I have a warehouse full of Chapsticks I can’t sell. Stupid monkeys.”

“Cabbage flavor? Skippy, I think your only hope is if somehow those flavors become some ironic cool thing with hipsters.” “How would I do that?” “I’m not an ironic hipster, so, um, I’d have to guess. Make them think your stuff is so uncool that it’s cool. Try to start a trend on Facebook or something?”

“Relax, dude. People think I am a mystical guru from Nepal or some other faraway exotic place. My full name is Skippyasyermuni. Sounds impressively mystical, huh?” “Your guru name is ‘Skippy Has Your Money’?” I pronounced it slowly. “Clever of me, huh? Monkeys are too stupid to notice.” “I’m a monkey and I noticed. You’re supposed to be from Nepal?”

“Never give up, never surrender?” She asked with a wink.

Galaxy Quest! The best Star Trek documentary.

Uber said they couldn’t help him, so it’s up to you.”

“Ok, I can do that, I am creating the fake video and sensor data now. Hey, what if I did something cool like add a couple Easter eggs in the video, like, hee hee, I show that all the dead Bosphuraq are wearing red shirts? Get it?”

Always enjoy how Alanson works in Star Trek references.

“All the Easter eggs have been removed, even the really cool one that showed the assault team was armed with Ghostbusters-style proton packs. Can I release the video now?”

Launch was definitely exciting, and Nukey’s only regret was that the crushing acceleration of the missile meant he had little time for sight-seeing, and not even time to post to his InstaPinterTwitFace account. Apparently, his target was a grey and rather uninteresting-looking moon, although a glance up and behind showed a planet with angry orange clouds and an impressive amount of rocky debris in orbit. And beyond orbit, some of those rocks would crash into the moon, causing significant havoc.

“Think of a nuke as our way to leave a zero-star review of the crappy gift shop in that cavern.” That made her laugh. “Yes, Sir.” “Besides, Skippy wants revenge on that stupid door.” “That’s a fact, Jack!” The beer can agreed with enthusiasm. “I’ll show that door who is the boss, huh? Who Da Man? Skippy, that’s who!”

“Ooh, ooh,” Skippy hooted excitedly. “I can post on TripAdvisor a one-star review of Earth.”

“Joe, that actually is brilliant. This plan has the advantages of being clever and devious. I like it! Hey, and, bonus, you can get a headstart on that life of crime I keep recommending you try.” “Skippy, I committed mutiny and stole a starship, I’ve got the life of crime thing covered.” “Hmm, stealing a starship is the mark of a criminal genius, Joe. If we ever get back to Earth, you should build a secret headquarters inside a volcano.”

That’s what I remembered about flying unicorns that could teleport themselves from one place to another, I read that in a book. Only the book was about dragons, not unicorns. There was some sort of fungus-like thread stuff in the air, and the dragons used their fire to burn up the threads before they could reach the ground. Or something like that, I read that book a long time ago, like I was young enough to have to look up the meaning of words while I was reading. Teleporting dragons.

Dragon riders of Pern. Laughed at all the ways it got butchered.

Skippy had of course wanted to refuel by extracting gas from Uranus, but only because that would give him a solid week of amusement, so I had vetoed that idea. Seriously, why couldn’t the astronomers of the world get together and agree on a new name for that stupid planet? I read somewhere that it is the only planet named from Greek mythology, all the others are named after Roman gods. There must be Roman gods who don’t already have a planet named after them, how about something like ‘Minerva’ or- Ok, whatever, you get my point. Or maybe we could sell naming rights to that planet like sports teams do for their stadiums. I think ‘Chico’s Bail Bonds Planet’ would be a much better name than ‘Your Anus’. “Ok, what is it that should we do on our way home?” “That thing we talked about, Joe,” he prodded me.