Must be a group member before inviting friends
More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
“Two weeks ago, you told me that in a contest between the universe and a bunch of monkeys, the universe is totally screwed.”
It was not entirely clear what the authorities were most upset about, but the four items at the top of the list were: 1) Starting an alien civil war 2) My idiot untrustworthy AI nearly getting killed by a computer worm because he was too stupid not to go poking his nose into dark, scary places 3) Our being gone for way longer than we were supposed to and 4) Screwing with wormholes in a way that attracted the attention and curiosity of immensely powerful aliens who were now coming to destroy our home planet
Technically, I did not drive, what I did was request to go into town, then wait for the security detail to clear that idea with their superiors. Then they drove, with me sitting in the back seat of a black SUV between two guys who had not been trained in the art of conversation. I was not a prisoner, no way. I could not go anywhere without asking permission, and I had to be escorted any time I left my parents’ property, and I was not allowed to use a zPhone so the government could listen to all my conversations, but I was not a prisoner. I know that because the security detail told me I was
...more
“Joe, I am at heart a supreme asshole. But I would not risk Margaret getting upset at me.
“I know, but this guy hasn’t bathed in weeks and his clothes are all torn and filthy and he has a crazy look in his eyes.” “Uh,” I looked down at the shirt I was wearing, which was well-worn and had a few food stains from dinner last night. “Where is this guy?” “In the kitchen. Be careful.” “Oh for- Skippy, that’s me. Damn it, I haven’t shaved for a few days, I’m on leave.”
Hey, change of subject. This is,” I forced myself to chuckle. “This is kind of a craaaaaaazy question. Did you start a religion about yourself?” “Whaaaaat?” His voice went up to a screech so loud I winced from the earpiece blasting my hearing. “A religion? Please. No way, dude. Ha ha, that’s a good one. Where did you get a crazy idea like that?” “From two people wearing silver robes and asking if I have accepted ‘The Skippy’ as my lord and savior.” “Oh crap. You saw that, huh? Damn it. Um, Joe, it’s not a religion, it’s more of a cult.” “A cult?” “Unless a cult is a bad thing. In which case,
...more
“Phil- philosophy? Righteousness? What, pray tell, is this marvelous, life-changing philosophy?” “Um, I haven’t quite got all the details worked out yet. You know, love The Skippy with all your heart, and, um, don’t be a dick, and some other happy bullshit like that. I’m working on it,” he added defensively. “Your religion is based on ‘Don’t be a dick’?” “Hey, that’s a good basis for a religion.” “I, I actually cannot argue with you about that.” Damn it,
“You want to start a family, even with the Maxolhx sending two ships here?” “Yes Sir. Think of that as a big vote of confidence that, somehow, you, Skippy and a barrel of monkeys will think of something to keep the bad guys away from Earth.”
“That hurts, Joe. Not as much as blindly trusting me might hurt you, but it hurts anyway.”
“Hey, where are you going? I thought we could admire my new artwork together.” “Later, Ok? Right now, I need to go bitch-slap some idiots.” “Oh goodie. Can I watch?”
“There is nothing logical about the way monkeys think, Joe, that is why it works. The universe is coldly, relentlessly logical, so it can never understand how you monkeys accomplish the impossible every. Freakin’. Time! I swear, the universe regrets that Earth’s solar system ever coalesced from a loose cloud of interstellar gas. If the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs had been just a little bit bigger, it could have-” “Yeah, blah blah blah, the universe can bite me,” I emphasized the sentiment by flipping the bird at the ceiling, an instinctual notion of the universe being above my head.
“Oh, crap, now we are all doomed.” “Why?” I didn’t understand his gloominess. “We haven’t decided what to do yet. We don’t have a plan, Skippy.” “No, you don’t have a plan, but that doesn’t matter. Colonel Smythe has that look in his eye that he gets before he, as you say, ‘does crazy shit’.
Gosh, you monkeys are so brave to be risking your lives out there, relying on a beer can who has been known to be a teensy bit absent-minded from time to time. Hey, that reminds me, did I ever tell you the joke about-”
“Um,” Skippy’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “Oopsy. Oh, Colonel Smythe, we may have a slight problem.” All the effects of calming exercises were erased in a split-second. “How slight?” “Somewhere between ‘Armageddon’ and ‘the universe hates me’?”
“What are our options, then?” “Um, prayer? That’s what I’d go with if I were you,” the beer can offered unhelpfully. “That is not encouraging.” “Hey, it’s not my fault if you get punished for being a bad person, or if the Almighty is testing your righteous faith, or whatever excuse you use when bad shit happens.” “Right. Prayer it is, then.
“Doing it now,” Skippy’s voice held more than a bit of admiration. “Joe, you have a genius for getting the enemy to do what we want them to do, and make them think it was their idea.”
Smythe looked at his new team and smiled, at first a forced expression, then growing into a genuine grin that lit up his eyes. “As I told you, Bishop is a bloody brilliant commander.”
This was the craziest damned thing she had ever done, possibly the craziest damned thing she had ever heard of- crawling like a superfast baby under the overhang of an alien moonbase, on an alien moon in an alien star system thousands of lightyears from Earth, wearing an alien mech suit. The oddest part of the whole experience was that the above-ground portion of the moonbase was brightly colored in psychedelic patterns like the cover of a particularly trippy ‘60s rock album.
If the Pirates’ combot had used its original totally amateurish, crappy and, oh there are no words to describe how bad the original Thuranin programming was, that combot would have been pinned to the other machine and effectively out of the fight. Instead, because the Pirates’ combot had been programmed by Skippy the Magnificent, and because the beer can in his groovy mancave aboard the starship was watching and able to provide instant analysis through the microwormhole connection, that combot reached its own decision long before the enemy machine ground its way through quantum gateways. In an
...more
I, ugh. Damn, you know, Joe is a particularly dimwitted monkey, but he would have guessed what I’m trying to tell you by now. You are smarter than Joe, how come you haven’t-” “Because I don’t bloody have time, beer can. Spell it out for me.” “Ok, however I must note that I am very disappointed with you, and this will be noted in your permanent record.
“Joe, I have learned from painful experience not to dismiss any of your stupid questions, because they are part of whatever bizarre and lunatic thought process you use.” “You call my questions stupid all the time!” “I never said your questions weren’t stupid, you dumdum, just that the mush in your skull somehow finds asking stupid questions to be useful.
“Joe, I must admit that I thought this operation had zero chance to succeed. Well, not zero, zero. My estimate was a zero point zero one six seven percent probability of success, roughly.” “Ha!” I clapped my hands. “You were wrong about that, beer can.” “Yeah, crapola, I was wrong. Damn it, that is one bet I really hated to lose.” “Wha- wait. You bet against us?” “Um, shmaybe?” “Shmaybe? Holy- Goddamn it, Skippy! You bet the operation would fail?” “That bet seemed like a sure-fire winner, Joe, no way could I pass up a chance like that. Come on, what were the odds that a troop of screeching
...more
Who did you make this bet with?” OMG if he somehow contacted the Jeraptha and told them about our mission, I was seriously going to drop him into the closest black hole.
Nagatha interrupted. “The fact that a group of primitive monkeys, who barely had any time to train together, risked their lives to carry out the operation with impeccable skill and daring despite your numerous and egregiously inexcusable screw-ups, had nothing to do with the success of the operation. Truly, you alone deserve credit for-” “Damn it!” Grand Admiral Lord Skippy jammed the hat back on his shiny head. “I did not program you for sarcasm.” “No, dear, that came naturally, as a result of my exposure to you. Sarcasm is the only way to deal with an insufferably arrogant-”
“Yes. This is a job for,” I stood up and mimed tearing my shirt open. “No Patience Man,” I said in my best dramatic movie announcer voice. “Lack of patience is your superpower, Joe, however I do not see how wishing things could go faster will help us get-” “As true fans of No Patience Man know, he has a sidekick.” “Uh, Ok? What in the hell are you talking about?” “Come on, Skippy. Don’t you remember the classic No Patience Man issue number Forty One, where he battles the evil witch from the Department of Motor Vehicles? His sidekick is my old friend, Mister Nukey.”
You have been itching to find a use for those nukes since they came aboard, haven’t you?” “Mister Nukey and I have been on several missions together. He is the strong, silent type, but I can tell he desperately wants action. How many warheads do we need?” “Two will do the job, we need to dial down the yield on the second explosion.
“Yes, I can. Joe,” he glared at me. “Someday you will get us all in trouble by assuming I can do some awesome thing that I can’t do.” “You will just have to make sure your awesomeness is unlimited, Skippy,” I winked at him.
“Gravity is one law of physics that I have a very limited ability to screw with, Joe,” he sniffed in the unappreciated put-upon tone he used way too often.
“Joe, there is just one danger I am concerned about,” Skippy added. My reply was delayed and distracted because I was monitoring our trajectory for Pope. “Uh, what is that?” “You are sitting in the copilot couch. Please promise me you will not touch anything.” “Ha, I can’t make any promises there, Skippy. Hey, I wonder what will happen if I press this button?” “Nooooo!”
“We don’t need anything from the ship. We have you.” “Me?” “Ayuh. You can temporarily increase your mass footprint in local spacetime, or some sciency bullshit like that, right?” “Oh for- I am the most powerful and intelligent being in this galaxy, and you plan to use me as a DOORSTOP?” He screeched in outrage.
“Got it! Whew, that was an interesting intellectual exercise. Wow, after engaging in pure high-level thinking like that, I feel clean again. Dealing with you ignorant monkeys always makes me feel, like, creepy and dirty. No offense.”
“Ready?” I hauled back on the rope and it stretched tight. “Wait!” “Wait for what?” “I want another moment to enjoy seeing you as a doorstop. You are awfully cute.”
It’s a long story. I am sure Skippy is eager to tell you all about his new career as a doorstop.” The beer can objected to that. “Hey! You jerk, I should-” “He is auditioning to be a paperweight next.”
“Joe, astonishing as it may seem, and I am astonishing myself for saying this, but you are mentally tough. Or, hmm,” he mused. “Maybe it’s just that you are very stubborn. Or, maybe you’re just too stupid to know when to quit. You never give up, even when you totally should.”
Crap. I was talking about giving up, now you’ve got me determined not to do that. Did you use reverse psychology on me?” “Not that you know of, Joe,” he chuckled. “I am not sure I did you a favor, because you are setting yourself up for crushing disappoint at the very least.” “Uh, what? At the very least? What do you mean by that?” “I mean, you could seriously screw up and make the situation much, much worse for humanity.” “Crap. Thanks for the vote of confidence.” “Just being realistic, based on your track record.”
“Joe, Joe, Joe,” he shook his ginormous hat sadly. “You need to come into Mad Doctor Skippy’s medical bay for a checkup, I suspect you can’t actually hear the stupid ideas coming out of your mouth.
“How about we have a new rule; I get to ask one stupid question per day, without being mocked by you?” “Ha! You would burn that privilege before your first cup of coffee in the morning. Forget it, Joe. Mocking you is my reward for suffering through the moronic babble that your brain dreams up. And it is your punishment for laziness; if you put any effort into thinking through your questions, you would answer them yourself without wasting my time. Here’s a hint; try using logic, it works great.”
“Jeez, can’t a guy just-” “Just what?” I folded my arms and leaned back in my chair. “I can’t wait to hear you talk your way out of this one, beer can.” “Fine,” he pouted. “Maybe I do like Katie a little better than most of you other monkeys. You know why, Mister Nosy?” “Because she is pretty?” “Oh, come on, Joe,” he chuckled, in a way that again was not convincing. “As if I consider any of your weird species to be attractive. Puh-lease, dude, I like Katie because she is nice to me.” “Uh, what?” “Nice. You know, nice? Like, not calling me ‘beer can’ and not thinking I am clueless and
...more
“I hate you, Joe. This is the part where I should be looking forward to mocking you mercilessly for your stupid idea, but I can’t, because way too many times, you make me look like a fool by pulling a monkey-brained idea out of your ass.
“Joe, that actually is brilliant. This plan has the advantages of being clever and devious. I like it! Hey, and, bonus, you can get a headstart on that life of crime I keep recommending you try.” “Skippy, I committed mutiny and stole a starship, I’ve got the life of crime thing covered.” “Hmm, stealing a starship is the mark of a criminal genius, Joe. If we ever get back to Earth, you should build a secret headquarters inside a volcano.” “That volcano thing never worked for the villains in James Bond movies. No, I will set up my criminal lair inside a Starbucks.” “A Starbucks?” He laughed.
...more
“No. However, you know what I’m going to say next?” “Oh, crap. Is it ‘well heh heh you’re not going to like this’?” “Joe, you are not as dumb as you look.”
“Egg-zactly,” the beer can said unhelpfully. “Well, yeah, that was a question.” “It’s a good question.” “No, that was a question I was asking you.” “Well, it’s impossible, Joe. I have learned that when something is impossible, I should outsource the job to a monkey. Monkeys are too stupid to recognize when something is impossible, so they charge right ahead. Really, stubborn stupidity is kind of your species’ superpower.”
I will not bother to add ‘duh’ or ‘dumdum’ because I know you are already saying those things to yourself.” Damn it, he was right about that. I am a dumdum.
“Hmm, I am responding only because I am intrigued to learn what truly whacky idea is in your monkey brain this time.
My arguing had been because I assumed Skippy was being his usual pessimistic self of telling me everything was impossible and it simply couldn’t be done and why couldn’t I understand we should just give up and it was hopeless and maybe I should just drown myself in a bottle of tequila? Damn, sometimes he was such a downer that I should have named him ‘Eeyore’ instead of ‘Skippy’.
“It matters because my ability to predict hidden patterns in the sensor fields was a lot more limited than I expected. Twice, I was forced to hold both the lead and follow-on missiles in place, while I rethought my approach and developed a new branch of mathematics. Joe, several times I feared that I had been outsmarted for the very first time. Fortunately, the nature of quantum reality is not as random as the Maxolhx think it is, so in the end I triumphed. My concentration continued while I guided the other missiles down to the cavern, so I went silent again shortly after those missiles
...more
So, once again we had to grit our teeth and trust the awesomeness.
“The good news is that I feel just terrible about it, Joe. See? I’ve been working on that empathy thing, at which I am now awe-some,”
“I am not bursting with confidence, Skippy.” “Realistically, you should be trembling with fear.”
“No,” Skippy’s voice took on the frustrated tone he used when trying to explain technical details to Bishop. “That is the problem. It did jump, I know that for certain. I simply have no idea where it went.”
