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“My granddad used to always say, ‘Even duct tape can’t fix stupid,’” I said, putting my straw in my mouth. “Hmm. No. But it can muffle the sound.”
“There’s something you should know about me, Josh. I say what I think. I don’t have a coy bone in my body. Yes, you’re sexy. Enjoy the compliment because you won’t always like what I say to you, and I won’t care one way or the other if you do or don’t.”
“Welcome to my brain. Strap in and keep your arms inside the ride at all times,”
This was the best date I’d ever been on. And it wasn’t even a date. I looked at her, balancing on the balls of her feet off a concrete parking lot divider. She had no makeup on. Sweats. Hair in fucking curlers. Hell, she didn’t even change out of the shirt with the enormous lasagna stain on the front before we left the house. And she was a thousand times better than the drop-dead gorgeous yoga instructor from a few hours earlier. Fun. Witty. Smart. Beautiful. The cool girl. And nothing that I could have.
salon. I did it because I knew I was going to this thing with Josh tonight. I was supposed to be dressed up, and for once looking half-decent wouldn’t betray my feelings for him. I wanted him to think I was beautiful, just one time.
“Why not? It would be awesome. Me and Brandon, you and Josh. The Ramirezes and Copelands could buy houses next door to each other, raise our kids together…” I scoffed. “Well, that escalated quickly.”
“Love is not a checklist of pros versus cons. It’s a feeling. What are you doing, Kristen?”
What I was doing was being smart. Tyler made sense for me. He was the path of least resistance. He was exactly the kind of man I needed. “And what if I am being a little rational about Tyler? More people should be rational about their relationships. If they were, we wouldn’t have so many single moms with deadbeat baby daddies and cheating spouses who destroy their families. What the hell is wrong with being practical and looking at things logically?”
“Why?” I asked once the door was closed. “What is the point in breaking off a perfectly good relationship with a decent man I care about whose lifestyle fits my own?” “Uh, happiness? So you can maybe have a shot with Josh? Or someone like him who wants kids? How can you act like this isn’t something you want?”
But I couldn’t have children. And I could never, ever, have Josh.
Sloan was right. I had settled. Because anything less than Josh would be settling. How did I get here? How had I fallen so far into this fucked life that I didn’t even want?
It was the most beautiful penis I’d ever seen. I stared at it, holding my breath, wondering if it would even fit. If this was a Copeland family trait, no wonder his mom had seven kids. I’d never put this away. I’d make this damn thing my screen saver.
I gave up my struggles and tried to relax. The rise and fall of his chest moved rhythmically against my back, and with every exhale, I sank deeper into him, like I belonged there. Like I was loved.
“Because they’ve done studies that show sleeping next to a man every night can regulate your period. Did you know that? Now, I’m pretty busy,” he said, looking down the hall and then back at me, his dimples popping. “But I think I can offer you my services tonight in exchange for not having to sleep on your futon.”
“Marrying your best friend.” He wiped his mouth with a napkin. “You marry your best friend, and at family gatherings you deal with your shitty relatives together. You laugh about it and have each other’s backs. Share looks and text each other from across the room when everyone else is being an asshole. And nobody else really matters because you have your own universe.” He held my eyes for a moment. “That’s what I want. I want someone to be my universe.”
“Will you play for me? Please? One last time?” One last time. So this was it. Our goodbye.
But then I realized the truth. She wasn’t mine—she never was. I’m hers. And it’s not the same thing.
Have you ever had the urge to tell someone to shut the fuck up when they aren’t even talking? That’s how I feel literally every time I see his face.”
“When you find a unicorn, you marry her. I think about you all the time. Do you ever think about me?”
I love you too. I imagined there were only so many events in life that could have made it through that level of intoxication. A murder. A horrible accident. Kristen telling me she loved me. I remembered.
I did want kids. But I wanted her first. Everything else was just everything else.
This crisis laid everything bare. I’d found my person. She was the foundation. She was the thing that all other things are built on. Everything was secondary to being with her. It didn’t matter where I worked or if I liked my job, where I lived or how many kids I had. My happiness, my sanity, my well-being—it all started with her. And now that I knew that, I didn’t want to just be her boyfriend—I wanted everything. I wanted her to be my wife. I wanted to wake up to her every day for the rest of my life.
“I don’t want an easy woman. I want you.” I shook my head. “Don’t you get it? You are perfect to me. I feel like a better man just knowing that I can do anything for you—make you lunch, make you laugh, take you dancing. These things feel like a privilege to me. All those things that you think are flaws are what I love about you. Look at me.” I tipped her chin up. “I’m miserable. I’m so fucking miserable without you.”
He’d done all this for me. Josh looked infertility dead in the eye, and his choice was still me. He never gave up.
“I’ll orbit around you and be your universe, because you’ve always been my sun.”
