Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

by Mira Kirshenbaum

What works is to say, “I really need to let you know that such and such is my absolute bottom line. That’s simply a fact for me, so if you ever do it again I’ll know you want to end our relationship.” That’s the point about bottom lines: you’re dealing with facts, not threats.

Let me sum up what’s important for you to know about bottom lines: 1. You’ve got to give yourself permission to have them, because otherwise you’re damaging and betraying yourself by going along with things that violate a bottom line that really exists.

You’ve got to follow through. A bottom line is a deal breaker, not an annoyance. You and your partner can struggle over something you find annoying until the day you die. That’s normal even in satisfying relationships. But since a bottom line means the end of the line, you’ve got to let your partner know that when he gets close to it. And you’ve got to act on it when he goes over it.

if it is a bottom line and you don’t act on it when it’s crossed, you’re writing a prescription for misery. And that’s too bad because a bottom line is a prescription for happiness: it’s your way of saying, “I know what I need to be happy.”