How Not to Die Alone

by Richard Roper

“Because, Andrew, it’s been playing on my mind to the point of distraction, and

His optimism quickly vanished when he realized that meant that Peggy could be the one to go.

“Feels loads better getting that off my chest.”

Andrew said, wondering if perhaps he should try to make the ...

“So how’s the old fam-fam, then?” ...

then, panicking that Cameron would take his hesitation to mean something might be wrong, quickly followed up with, “They’re fine.

It had been terrifying to go blank like that. Maybe he was just rustier than usual because his focus had been on Peggy.

but there was nowhere else for him to turn.

The cold he’d caught had evolved into something that sapped him of energy but left him too uncomfortable to sleep.

the moral of each story appearing to be if you drive a car fast enough a lady will take her top off.

He raised a fist to his mouth to cover a burp, his cheeks bulging like a frog’s neck.

Andrew couldn’t think what Beryl meant until he looked down to see she was holding an open Tupperware box full of fairy cakes.

The vicar appeared and stifled another belch,

because Andrew had more of a personal investment than usual,

wasn’t his place to cry.

As the vicar asked them to join him in reciting the Lord’s Prayer, the realization suddenly came to Andrew that he hadn’t been crying for Alan, or even for Beryl, but for the future version of himself, his death unmourned at a service in a drafty church with only the walls to receive the vicar’s perfunctory words.

They said polite if stiff good-byes to the vicar (“I don’t trust men with handshakes that firm—you have to think they’re overcompensating for something,” Beryl

I’ve got my special old-lady mobile phone the size of a brick with me,

She walked away, looking brittle against the wind, but after a few steps she stopped and came back.

So it was with a horrible inevitability that he had managed to get all the way to the main doors without passing a soul, only to be met by Peggy coming the other way.

She was distracted by collapsing her umbrella, and

Thankfully, Peggy didn’t seem to take it that way.

“Thank god for small mercies.

Such was his size relative to the machine it reminded Andrew of a clown on one of those ankle-height tricycles.

Barely half a minute later Meredith drove up in her custard-yellow hatchback,

Andrew watched her and Keith take a sly look around before ...

so it looked as if she’d fallen into...

He couldn’t bear the idea of her smiling warily as he approached,

viciously squeezing a stress ball in each hand.

He saw Andrew and his grimace turned into a slightly pained smile, the

At least today can’t get ...

(He was no expert, but he was pretty sure that Latvia wasn’t famed for its rosé.)

He braced himself to enter the fray.

and even though they were supposedly “mates,” Andrew wasn’t going to assume for a...

Cameron was continuing to give a disproportionately large shit about these stupid dinner parties, so if pretending to be the sort of person who enjoyed talking about school catchment areas over an u...

tires shuddering against the tarmac.

For some reason this floored him even more than seeing the kiss. He felt his stomach plunge.

Oh joy, Andrew

delivered several courses,

Meredith prefaced her thoughts by saying, “This isn’t a spoiler,” before revealing the death of a lead character, two plot twists, and the dialogue from the final scene of the show in its entirety. He’d cross that one off his list, then.

Cameron had been his usual animated self, edging toward the giddy end of the spectrum.

Andrew hadn’t thought his behavior particularly unusual, but when Cameron stood up to go to the loo he wobbled on his feet, grabbing on to a cabinet for support, before weaving

A scene where when drunk is best described

“You’re shagging?” Peggy said, stifling a yawn.

“But, yes, Keith and I are officially partners. As in lovers,” she added, in case anyone thought they were about to float a company on the stock market.

“Yeah, sure,” Keith said, the familiar leer back on his face.

confused, like a little boy lost in a crowd.

Andrew again caught a hint of her new perfume and felt like he might overbalance.

This time, it was anger Andrew felt.

fixing Andrew with a steely expression.

root-and-branch review of my marriage. But