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Alessandro chased Celia with a chain saw.
Alessandro heaved it aside, pulling a Smith & Wesson 460XVR revolver out of her mouth. He stared at the massive gun’s fourteen-inch barrel and then looked at me, his eyes incredulous. “It’s a hunting revolver.” I slumped back. “It’s for big game hunting.” “Texas,” Alessandro said, loading a state’s worth of meaning into a single word.
The world was full of interesting words used to describe complicated things. There was tartle, a Scottish word for the panicked pause you experience when you have to introduce someone, but you don’t remember their name. There was backpafeifengesicht, a German term for a face you’d love to punch. There was gigil, a Filipino word for the urge to squeeze an item because it is unbearably cute.
“Do you see what I’ve had to put up with? But now, I have redeemed myself. And there is still more.” Bug dramatically paused. “Tell me before I explode from anticipation.” Bug reached over and held his finger above the keyboard. The finger descended in slow motion. I would strangle him. I swear, the court would understand. “Bug!” The finger kept dropping. Bug finally touched the keyboard. The image of the white Jeep Renegade filled the monitor, the nine screens presenting a single picture, like a mosaic.
“Catalina,” Grandma Frida called out behind me. “When you’re done cutting up the body, call me. I’ll help you hide it.” I turned and looked at her. Grandma flexed her arm. “Ride or die.” I squinted at her. “I’m still mad at you for ratting me out.” “You looked like death warmed over,” Grandma said. “You may be the Head of House Baylor, but you’re still my granddaughter and I won’t be taking any of your bullshit.” “How is my sweater coming along, Grandma? Have you knitted more than two inches yet?” Grandma Frida gave me the Look of Death.
Bug stirred in his seat. “Catalina, do not marry this dickfucker. There are better birds in the sea.” He turned to my mom and said, “Pardon my French.” Matilda leaned forward, looked at Alessandro, then looked at me. “Your children would be very attractive.” Alessandro winked at Matilda. “Thank you. You are most kind.” Runa covered her face with her hands and made some whimpering noises.
Alessandro pulled a nail gun out of thin air, dropped it, lifted up a shovel, threw it, and came up with a tennis racket–shaped bug zapper. He hurled it at the swarm. It sparked, and one of the scorpion ticks went into a swan dive, landed a few feet from me, and lay on the ground twitching. I can’t even . . .
Alessandro barked a short “Ha!” A stream of fire arched over my head and seared the swarm. Bodies plunged down, burning. The air around me was suddenly clear and I spun left. He had a small black flamethrower in each hand, the fire pouring from them in twin orange jets. A maniacal grin twisted his face, lit up by the flames. His eyes glinted. I had never seen him so happy.
“Ne andasse dritta una!”
I held out my arms. The grizzly leaned over and hugged me to him. I caught a glimpse of Alessandro, halfway to us, a chain saw in his hands. “This is Sergeant Teddy,” I told him, leaning my head against the soft fur. “He won’t hurt me. He’s a pacifist.” “Che gabbia di matti!” Alessandro said. We might be a bunch of lunatics, but it didn’t matter. I was finally
“I don’t know if you know, but Leon is psycho. I heard him talking to himself when shooting people. He used funny voices, Catalina.”
“Do you want to be an adult or a child? Children require comfort even in a crisis, because they can’t understand how urgent things are. In a child’s world, it’s all about them: how this affects me, how this makes me feel, why is life so unfair? An adult sees a problem and tries to fix it. They think of other people and they plan their actions aware of the consequences. They understand that there will be time to deal with grief and loss after the danger is over.”
“I just wanted some pie.” The despair in Leon’s voice was overwhelming. “That Italian bastard took it! I know he took it. It’s the kind of rat dick move he would do. I’m going to find him and . . .”
“A unit is only as good as its leader. That’s why a good leader holds herself to the highest standard. It’s not about being liked or being fair. It’s about deciding what your goal is and doing what is necessary to achieve it. Especially when it’s difficult.
Alessandro laughed, reached over, and stole a piece of one of the little orange peppers. Arabella’s eyes got big. Runa opened her mouth and Arabella clamped her hand over it. I gave Alessandro a sweet smile. “That’s not yours.” Take the bait. You know you want to. “Give me back my pepper. I mean it, Alessandro. You can’t have it.” Three, two, one . . . Alessandro winked at me and popped the pepper into his mouth. His gorgeous jaw moved. He froze. His expression locked into a harsh mask. “Don’t you want to say something suave?” I asked. “Go ahead. Flirt with me.” A red flush washed over his
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Alessandro chose that moment to wander back into the kitchen. He looked pale, his eyes were bloodshot, and his hands shook a little.
Linus’ Houston mansion was elegant and refined, with exquisite molding, frescos, and ten-thousand-dollar chandeliers. At the ranch, however, Linus went full Texas. Everything was stone and mahogany and huge fireplaces. Alessandro squinted at the deer antler chandelier and drawled in a perfect imitation of a local, “Teeeksus.” I elbowed him and hissed, “Stop it.”
There was no better way to prank my sister than to hand her a box with a glitter bomb inside and tell her to not open it. She never met a secret she could resist.
I ran after Cristal. The last thing I saw before I turned the corner was Alessandro on Frank’s shoulders, choking him with a plastic bag.
“Follow me,” Linus ordered. “And cheer up. We’re about to embark on a killing spree accompanied by massive property damage. Try to have fun.”
The cupola above us groaned, tilted, and was lifted up, like the lid off a jar. Arabella peered down into the room and saw us hugging, me draped over a nude Alessandro with dead Benedict at our feet. Silence reigned. My sister opened her nightmarish mouth and laughed.
