Speechless

by Adam P. Schmitt

I’m . . . I’m being heard. I’ve never been here before. It feels good.

“He ruined a lot of things for me.” I know it’s wrong and I know I’m here to be respectful, but it feels so good to exhale with what I was never allowed to say. I keep going and feel my eyes well up. “I tried so hard to be nice to him . . .”

“I remember knowing that if he was around, something bad was going to happen.”

“Many of you thought we were friends. We were never really friends.”

“I don’t think he even liked me.”

The podium suddenly feels like a very lonely place, a place I no longer want to be.

Her focused gaze to the seated spectators tells them what I’d been trying to say for the last two days; I needed help. Sofia heard me.

I bet no one in this room ever thought the three of us would be standing behind a microphone silencing an audience.

“I never listened to him.”

“Patrick talked a lot. He always had something to say. But I never listened to him.”

“I could’ve offered to help him, but I didn’t. I wasn’t listening.”

“I wasn’t listening to you.”

“I know you were telling me something was wrong. And I didn’t listen.”

“Patrick, I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t hear you.”

“You taught me to listen.”

“I promise from now on, I will.”

In all the awful small talk I had to endure over the last twenty-four hours, it never once occurred to me to ask Patrick’s sister if she was OK. I grip her delicate hand tightly, letting her know I am listening now. Neither of us has been here before, but we’re here together.

My speech is over, though. I have no idea how it was received. I just know I never could’ve said it without my cousin Sofia. The only one who ever listened to Patrick.

I never heard empathy in Patrick’s voice except when he talked to this walrus that wasn’t real.

I was about to help, if not for the sound that came out of Sofia. Her laugh. Her laugh was so rarely heard and never like this.

He never had any intention of making Norman hug his sister. That’s why Sofia was flinching and batting her hands — she knew this was coming. She’d been here before.

Sofia continued with her motions, eyes wide, waiting for her brother’s response. “Again. I know.” He smiled and relaxed his shoulders. “I heard you.”